Liquor Pig

The Bacon-tini

2011-09-17T12:39:00.004-04:00

This review was provided by my brother-in-law who invented this pork-tastic creation and wished to share this review with us. I look forward to trying this fantastic take on the current cocktail craze!

After having a wondrously pork-tastic meal, this drink was created. The perfect digestif after a cheese and pork masterpiece, it settles the stomach and caresses your palatte. The meal started with a selection of cheeses, including some cave aged gouda raclette, then we enjoyed a caesar salad where we substituted thin sliced, dried wild boar jerky (a bacon-like delicacy), and enjoyed schnitzel and Hugo's double smoked hickory bacon, (lean cut thick sliced of course). You can see the 5 star comments about the supplier of these flavourful meats provided by a multi-ribbon winner (in the meat division) from the Royal Winter Fair - Hugo's Meats on the attached weblink.

After the meal, one slice of bacon was saved, a slightly overcrisp piece that had a tight curl to one end. Here is how the recipe worked:

one part Quintessential gin (a very smooth flavour, much like Tanqueray Ten), one part Hendrick's gin (a gin with rich botanicals and floral scent, balanced well with the icy smoothness of Quintessential). 1/4 ounce of lichee liqueur. Theory here is to use the sweetness of lichee to balance against the salts of the bacon. Generously shave lemon peel into the pre-chilled glass. combine the liquids in your martini shaker, and shake vigourously. pour into the glass of lemon zest, and drape the glorious pork over the side. The lemon zest adds a near celestial sparkling quality, and adds to the citrus under-note of the gins. It also matches well with the natural flavour of the hickory in the bacon.

At first taste, I felt the heavens open up, and angles sing - a peace came over me and all was right with the world. After the bacon soaked up some of the lovely mixture, I took a bite of the saturated end. Harps played from heaven, the angels broke into a louder chorus. At that point, the Dalai Lama appeared to me asking how we were able to find such inner peace, wanting to learn the secret. For that brief moment, people laid down their guns in the middle east and gave each other hugs, and suicide bombers took off their bomb vests and made pottery.

Each person at the table was given the gift of a small bite until we reached dry bacon. Then the dry piece was snapped in two and immersed in the lush mixture. At the end of the drink, these 2 pieces of bacon were shared around the table to thunderous applause and glee.

All people involved knew they'd witnessed something akin to Einstein's unlocking the power of the atom, or Galileo placing the Sun at the centre of the solar system.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic, but it was really really good.

Marston's Pedigree Pale Ale

2011-08-27T11:17:00.007-04:00

This was a taster that Brian brought over to Chez Pig for review. Generally, I find Engish ale to be a bit of a paradox in that they are never terrible enough to receive the toilet treatment, yet are never really good enough to work up a thirst for (unless it is +100 outside with humidity so high your ballsack is sticking to your leg, but then even Beck's would taste good in that situation). This beer proved to be no exception. The Marston's webpage had this to say about this ale:

Marston's Pedigree™ has a distinctive flavour. This is down to its special blend of Burton spring water, Maris Otter barley, Fuggles and Goldings hops and Pedigree's™ own unique strain of yeast.

It has a dry hop aroma with a full range of complex flavours. The melding of nut, fruit and winey flavours create a smooth and very drinkable satisfying whole.

'You get lovely spicy hops, juicy malt and a very light hint of apple fruit, It's an incredible beer.'
- Roger Protz, Good Beer Guild Editor

This ale weighs in at 4.5% abv, odourless and pours clear with no sea monkeys. Brian, Liquor Piglet and myself tipped our glasses back and found that while it was generally as flat as most English ale, the flavour itself was pleasant enough. Nothing spectacular, but it was hard to find anything disagreeable about it. As Liquor Piglet remarked, it was "totally average" and I thought it was a fine candidate for moving or having a general piss-up, as I couldn't see anyone objecting to it. Brian stated the beer seemed like something "some Brit would be drinking as he was kicking you in the head." It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. Just an adequate middle-of-the-road English ale.

Final Rating:
Brian - 7
Liquor Piglet - 7
Liquor Pig - 7

Waterloo Radlermass

2011-08-27T10:46:00.005-04:00

" Lemonade Lager" jumped out at me as I picked up this throwback to the shandy craze of the early 80's. While I personally tend to dislike "flavoured" beers, I have enjoyed Waterloo products enough in the past to give this one a try (I think it may be their wild pig motif that does it). The Brick Brewery website had this to say about the German-inspired creation:

After World War I, bicycle riding became popular in Germany. A local innkeeper opened his own watering hole and arranged for a bike trail through Munich to his alpine meadow, only to find some 13,000 cyclists had descended upon his establishment and almost depleted him of his fine beer. Quick thinking led him to mix a stock of lemon soda with his remaining beer and he called it Radlermass (Radler meaning cyclist and Mass means litre of beer in German), which became a wonderful refreshing summer drink.

I can only imagine what a bunch of half-drunk Germans thought when they suddenly realized their "fine beer" had been cut with lemonade, but I digress. As for our own experience, Brian, Liquor Piglet and I chilled the can down to serving temperature and noted the 4.8% abv. The brew poured clean without any sea monkeys or any discernable odour. We tipped our glasses back and discovered Waterloo Radlermass has an initial fruity, citrous taste which is quickly followed by what Brian described as "a boot mark on the back of the tongue". It became obvious that this product contains much more lemonade than beer, and was a little too fruity for our likings. Overall, I wouldn't call it bad or good and I could see how it could quench a dire thirst on a hot summer day. However I can safely say that I could never get drunk on it without becoming violently ill. Liquor Piglet fared the worst during this tasting, as she absolutely hated this concoction. As she put it, "when life gives you lemons, there really is no need to make lemonade beer."

Final Review:
Brian - 6
Liquor Pig - 6
Liquor Piglet - 2 ("Only because I didn't vomit.")

Mystery Beers

2011-08-12T22:00:00.000-04:00

On a trip to New York City, Liquor Piglet and I stopped at the Village Pourhouse in Manhattan's East Village (64 3rd Ave at 11th Street) for lunch one afternoon. The Pourhouse is a great place with that old New York atmosphere, with 36 feet of stained glass, an expansive bar lit with the warm glow of gaslights and boasts eight HD TVs to watch your favourite team crush their rivals! The massive oak bar boasts 100 different beers on tap, and it's simply a great place to stop for lunch, watch the big game or just to stop for a pint on a warm spring afternoon.

Upon being seated, I noticed a sign on the wall that simply stated "Mystery Beers $2". Of course this was a siren's call for an adventurous boozehound like me, so I asked what the deal was. The waitress stated that for $2, they will bring you a random "mystery beer" for you to try (wino-style in a paper bag, nonetheless). Knowing this was likely to quickly become a fabulous disaster, Liquor Piglet and I placed our order and waited to see what we would get.

When the waitress returned, we quickly tore open out brown-paper packages to see what hell awaited us. Both were products from the 21st Amendment Brewery in San Francisco (who seem to have a knck for coming up with LSD-induced concoctions, by the way). I received a can of Brew Free or Die! IPA and Liquor Piglet got a can of Come Hell or High Watermelon wheat beer.

The Brew Free or Die! IPA is a concoction made from six different hops varieties, boasts a hefty abv of 7% and is apparently the biggest seller at their San Francisco brewpub. The initial scent off this stuff was a fresh hoppy smell that resembled the green stuff you use to clean the kitchen. Throwing caution to the wind, I tipped it back. My palate was immediately assaulted by a taste that can only be described as "bitter, with a hint of ass". The taste did not improve on a second pull, and as I told Liquor Piglet, "it just coats the mouth and won't let go!"

New to the whole Liquor Pig review system, Liquor Piglet was understandably nervous looking at her can. Come Hell or High Watermelon starts as a standard American wheat beer that is subjected to a secondary fermentation with fresh watermelon (!) and has an abv of 4.9%. The initial scent off this hooch is fruity and not that unpleasant. However, the illusion of a pleasant beverage was quickly shattered by the horrific taste resembling what Liquor Piglet described as "gym socks with a hint of watermelon". Her final word on the subject was "blech!"

All in all, the Village Pourhouse was a great venue with an awesome opportunity to try some random beers, LP-style! Check it out if you are ever in Manhattan.

Final Review:

Live Free or Die! IPA - 3
Come Hell or High Watermelon - 2

Unknown Sake

2011-08-09T22:00:00.002-04:00

This is a bottle of sake that Liquor Piglet picked up on a trip to visit her sister in Japan back in 2005. Given the ornate dressing on the bottle, I'd like to think she purchased it from an acient Japanese man looking like Fu Manchu in a back alley in Tokyo, but in reality it was given to her as a gift from the class her sister taught in the Land of the Rising Sun. Having nobody to drink it with (and not being a sake drinker herself) she put it in the fridge until tonight when we cracked it open. Such a monumental occasion is perfect for the Liquor Pig resurrection, so here is our thoughts on this very Japanese drink.

As previously mentioned, the sake was obtained in Mutsu City, Japan and is packaged in an ornate bottle dressing that alludes to high quality contents. I cracked the seal on the bottle and poured two samples for us to try. The liquor itself was quite clear and appeared similar to tap water. We both detected a strong alcoholic odour from this hooch, and a slightly fruity note was apparent to myself. Liquor Piglet described the scent as "boozy". With a hearty 'cheers' we knocked back a healthy pull and were rewarded with quite a pleasant beverage. I am unsure how sake ages in comparison to regular wine, but the taste was very good to this sake virgin. The taste was slightly sweet with a smooth palate. Liquor Piglet exclaimed "I'd like me some more of that!" as she took another pull of the liquor. It should be noted however, that the taste also gave a slightly "tingly" feel on the tongue - likely the byproduct of a high alcoholic content. However, the taste definitely disguises the alcohol beautifully. While we both thought a night of sucking the sake back would result in a five-star hangover, the uninitiated would never suspect it before it was too late. I felt this was a perfect prelude for someone to give you before deciding to steal your kidneys. However, for better or worse, we'd both be more than willing to drink it again.

Final Score:

Liquor Piglet - 8.5
Liquor Pig - 8

Resurrection!

2011-08-09T17:05:00.003-04:00

Liquor Pig is back! There has been a lot going on since I last posted to this blog. First and foremost, I have another partner to review products for this blog (she hereby wishes to be known as the Liquor Piglet) and we have bought a permanent home to host tastings in! We are currently working on a basement bar that (once completed) will be featured prominently in this blog and should prove to be the site of much drunken debauchery.

To kick things off, I will be posting a review of some Japanese sake that Liquor Piglet picked up in Matsu, Japan during a trip she went on in 2005. The bottle was cracked toninght and we did a proper review of its vintage contents. Additionally, we will be posting a review of a can of beer we picked up at the local LCBO tonight and a couple 'mystery beers' we sampled at the Village Pourhouse in Manhattan's East Village last Spring. We certainly hope the wait will worth it and you enjoy the reviews.

Enjoy!

The Liquor Pig Crew

Canuck Pale Ale

2010-03-25T16:12:00.004-04:00

Oh Great Lakes Brewing Company, I cannot resist your charms. Despite the fact that I cannot get the morose aftertaste of your "winter beer" out of my mouth months later, when I see a new one of your over sized bottles, I must put it in my cart.

Enter "Canuck Pale Ale" purchased during the Canada/US hockey showdown of the Olympics, it was the perfect choice to show my patriotism. I hoped it would be as delicious as Orange Peel Ale was but upon my first taste that dream was shattered.

This Pale Ale has an over spiced nature to it, nowhere near as glaring as bad as the Winter beer but it left a somewhat tacky aftertaste. Numerous helpings were less discordant but I finished the bottle knowing it would probably be my last.

This is truly the middle child of beers I've tried from the Great Lakes Brewing Company, nowhere near the worst but certainly not the best. If I was offered one in a social situation, I wouldn't turn it down but I'd probably nurse it.

Overall 5/10

It goes without saying that I still look forward to their next concoction.

--Brain

Holsten Maibock

2010-02-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

It has been my experience that any beer with the word "bock" in the name is going to be a giant can of misery. I have tried many bock beers over the years and have never once found one I would like to drink again. Spying this one at the Ajax LCBO, I thought it would be an excellent subject for review. Holsten Brewery (a fully owned subsidiary of The Carlsberg Group) was founded in northern Germany in 1953. The actual brewery webpage is written completely in German, and as such could not be used as a source of information. However, I did find a webpage that had this to say about the brand:

Holsten is one of the Carlsberg Group's biggest brands.

Holsten was first developed and produced by the Holsten Brewery in Northern Germany in 1953. Since then it has expanded to many other markets, primarily in Europe, and today you can experience the great taste of Holsten Pilsener in many countries around the globe.

Where does the Holsten name come from?

Once upon a time a Germanic tribe called the "Holsten" lived in northern Germany in the region that is now called Holstein. According to the "Chronica Slavorum", written in the 12th century, the Holsten were described as a freedom-loving, bull-headed and very hospitable people. Perhaps the founders of the Holsten-Brauerei AG had these characteristics in mind when they christened their brewery in 1879.

Upon arriving at Brian's, I handed the can to him as Michelle asked "is that a maibock?" Apparently, the two of them are big fans of this brewing style and were looking forward to the experience. Brian stated that due to the usually high alcohol content of maibock in general (Holsten Maibock weighs in at 7% abv), they are perfect for getting a glow on before seeing a movie. We chilled the beer and poured it out. The brew was amber, clear and had no odour whatsoever. The flavour was pleasant with a slight alcohol burn. However, if the beer had been slightly colder, I doubt you would have been able to detect it. "It doesn't stab you in the mouth like other high-percentage beer," remarked Brian as Michelle simply said, "I'd drink it again."

Imperial Cerveza

2010-02-04T16:42:00.004-05:00

My sister brought this one back for me from a recent trip to Costa Rica. She said that it was the beer she drank the majority of while she was there, and thought I would like it. Apparently, she grabbed six talls for me, and realized that she had no room in her suitcase for them and that they would not allow her to board the plane with them in her carry-on. Her boyfriend then offered to pack them in his suitcase. Unfortunately, the added weight of the six talls pushed his suitcase over the weight restriction and he ended up being charges a $50 surcharge for the added weight. Quite an expensive six pack as it turns out.

The label does not indicate much about this product other than it is beer and from Costa Rica. No abv value was given, or any kind of description as to what to expect from the contents. The beer poured very clear and was devoid of any kind of odour. It was also devoid of any kind of taste, but was cool and refreshing which as Brian stated, "[is] what you'd expect a tropical beer to be." Recommended if you are ever on an eco-trek through Costa Rica, and find the tropical heat is putting a thirst on you.

Drunken Days of Yore

2010-01-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

A Night on Barrel Wash

This is yet another bad idea that turned into a horrible experience. Any story that involves homemade liquor and thirsty twenty-something men with a will to drink anything is never going to end well. In retrospect, this one is fairly amusing simply for the sheer ignorance of the participants - Phlegm, Mad Dog Johnny, Myself and an acquaintance named Marty. while you will undoubtedly laugh at our foolish antics, I hope this serves as a warning to any self-respecting boozer who is looking for a super-cheap drunk.

On a spring afternoon in my early twenties, I received a call from Phlegm, who's parents own a nursery north of Cobourg, Ontario. The nursery had contracts with many surrounding municipalities to provide flower arrangements for their downtown areas. Many of these flower arrangements were created in a half-barrel, within which the flower arrangements were planted. The nursery usually obtained the barrels from a distillery that had used them to age whiskey and other spirits. When Phlegm called, the delivery truck that had brought the barrels had just left.

"Dude, you'll never guess what I got brewing!"

"What?" I asked.

"The barrels for our flower arrangements were just delivered from the distillery and they just reek of booze. Are you up for some barrel wash?"

It was back in public school when I first heard of barrel wash (or "swish"). For those of you who don't know, barrel wash is a form of cheap homemade liquor that is made by filling a freshly used whiskey barrel with water, recorking it and lying it on its side in the sun. Every day, one rotates the barrel a quarter turn. Usually within two weeks or so, the alcohol that has been absorbed in the wood of the barrel leeches into the water, and you have a barrel of watered-down whiskey to drink. Being a opportunistic drunkard, Phlegm had apparently taken a whiskey barrel and started the process.

"In two weeks, we'll have some piss-up," he promised. I should have taken it as a warning.

Approximately two weeks later, Phlegm called to say the wash was finished and ready to drink. I rounded up Mad Dog Johnny and Marty and headed up to the nursery, which was situated in a valley in the middle of prime farmland. Within the valley was a small creek, which Phlegm's family had dammed up to create a pond. The pond then served as a scummy, stagnant frog sanctuary which could then be used in an emergency to water the greenhouses in the event the wells ran down. The valley area around this pond was what Phlegm referred to as "The Pit" and was a prime location for bonfires, keg parties and other drunken tomfoolery regularly undertaken in our irresponsible youth.

We arrived in the late afternoon and pitched tents in The Pit. Phlegm used his tractor to bring down the barrel of wash while we gathered wood for the fire. As is got dusk, the fire was set and the barrel was tapped. We poured out the liquid in a juice jug and filled our glasses. The finished product just tasted like whiskey and water. Not harsh at all. We continued drinking as the night wore on, until Mad Dog Johnny suddenly spit his drink into the grass.

"There's a chunk of something in this booze!" he exclaimed.

We filled a glass from the barrel and checked it with a flashlight. Even in our drunkenness we could see that there were definitely black chunks in the liquid. Thoroughly grossed out, we thought the party was over until one of us realized it was char from the inside of the barrel. Apparently, the years of soaking in harsh alcohol, slight drying after being emptied followed by the water Phlegm added caused some of the char to come loose from the inside of the barrel and start floating on the liquid's surface. Relieved, we continued to drink thinking a little charred wood would never hurt anyone.

After a while, the taste of the swill was getting tiresome. Having a drunken brainstorm, Phlegm went up to the house and came back with a can of peach concentrate. He poured some of the concentrate in the jug and mixed it with the hooch. It was kinda gross, but cut away the tiresome taste of the watery whiskey. We continued drinking around the fire until we were all in a very drunken state. At some point, Marty went to his tent to pass out, Johnny was crashed on the ground someplace and Phlegm and I were finishing a final drink. I recall falling backwards off the log I was sitting on, and being unable to sit back on it. I crawled to my tent, and after several minutes of drunkenly trying to open the fly, finally opened it and crawled inside.

I somehow managed to close the fly and get inside my sleeping bag. I lay there maybe 3 minutes before I suddenly got the urge to vomit. However, being in the dark of my tent and in a very inebriated state, I couldn't work the zipper to get out. I was unable to get out, and proceeded to throw up my last drink on the floor of my tent. My last conscious memory was trying to position myself as far from the mess as possible as I (in the words of Mike Tyson) "disappeared into Bolivia."

I awoke to a world of pain. My head ached and my stomach felt like it had been kicked by a mule. Wondering what had roused me from the sweet embrace of unconsciousness, I heard Mad Dog Johnny slapping on my tent.

"Hey," he asked. "Is that pond water safe to drink?"

I vaguely recalled the scum-covered swampy pond that was used as an emergency resevoir for the greenhouses. "I don't think so, man."

"GODDAMN IT!"

"What?" I asked.

"I already drank it." he replied.

I drifted off for a while longer until I felt well enough to wander up to the house to wash my face and get some water and a paper towel with some vinegar. I washed the floor of my tent with the vinegar and took my tent down. Marty and Johnny had taken their tent down, and Johnny was lying on the grass looking pretty grim.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Phlegm.

"He drank the pond water," I replied as everyone but Johnny broke into fits of laughter.

"FUCK OFF!" cursed Johnny, as Phlegm pondered the possible bacterial and parasitic infections one could suffer as a result from drinking from a stagnant frog pond.

As we loaded our sorry asses into my old Malibu for the ride home, Johnny climbed into the back seat and lay down. Marty and I decided that a greasy burger from Harvey's might help with the hangover. We asked Johnny if he would like anything, to which we heard only mumbled curses as replies. We finished eating and headed down the highway, all the while listening to Johnny mumbling and cursing to himself. In fact, I don't think he stopped cursing until I dropped him off.

"I am pissed off and in a vile mood," he stated as he got out. "I'm going to go lay down. I feel like shit. GODDAMN IT!!"

I don't believe Johnny got too sick from drinking the pond water, but it wouldn't be something I would want to risk. More telling is the fact he willingly chose a filthy home for frogs to drink from, rather than the remains of the barrel of wash he willingly guzzled the night before. Seeing how Johnny will willingly chug Cisco, there would seem to be some kind of moral lesson in that somewhere.

Aventinus Eisbock

2010-01-20T15:58:00.008-05:00

On occasion, we review a product that is so utterly horrific that it literally defies description. Aventinus Eisbock is a prime example of this. It is brewed by Schneider and Sohn, who also make the very good Schneider Weiss which I am quite fond of. However, this one deserves an epic fail of the brewer's art.

While I cannot remember the specifics of the experience, the beer was very dark and gave of a hideous scent. The flavour was so terrible that I actually forgot to take notes on how bad it was. However, I did manage to write down the following reactions to the experience of actually imbibing this devil's brew:

"This smells really, really bad. I pray for my tastebuds." - Michelle

"Fucking terrible!" - Me

"Ahhhhh... I hate you!" - Brian

Brian literally took one sip, cursed me and grabbed all three glasses to dispose of them in the toilet. As you can see from the spillage, he wasted no time in doing so. What an utterly godawful example of German brewing.

Aventinus Eisbock - Final Score:
Michelle -1
Myself - 1
Brian - 0

BrewDog Punk IPA

2010-01-11T08:00:00.004-05:00

On the heels of the Drink of the Month, we have another product from Scotland. However, unlike the fine whiskey bonnie Scotland is famous for, this beverage is the bottled equivalent of a '77 Sex Pistols concert - a chaotic bloody mess. Perhaps this is where the "Punk IPA" name was inspired from. Brewed by BrewDog in Fraserburgh, Scotland, this beer has an abv of 6%.

I originally noticed this one when picking up beers for New Years Eve review. As I had already picked up several products for review, I left this one for another day. Spotting it again at the Ajax LCBO, I grabbed it along with several bottles of weissen for a piss-up at Brian's. Looking over the bottle, the pseudo-punk label describes this "post moderm classic pale ale" as thus:

This is not a lowest common denominator beer.

This is an aggressive beer.

We don't care if you don't like it.

We do not merely aspire to the proclaimed heady heights of conformity through neutrality and blandness.

It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to appreciate the depth, character and quality of this premium craft brewed beer.

You probably don't even care that this rebellious little beer contains no preservatives or additives and uses only the finest fresh natural ingrediants.

Just go back to drinking your mass marketed, bland, cheaply made watered down lager and close the door behind you.

BrewDog: Beer for Punks

BrewDog is about breaking rules, taking risks, upsetting trends and unsettling institutions but first and foremost, great tasting beer.

I have to say without doubt, that was the most pretentious description of a product I have ever read. This beer practically begs you to hate it before you even crack it open. At this point, Brian and I had extreme reservations of what was in store for us. In my experience, good products speak for themselves. By contrast, companies that proclaim their products as "too good for you" are generally trying to push sub-standard tripe on the snooty, know-nothing crowd.

We cracked it open and poured out the samples. Immediately, the room was permeated by the pungent scent of hops which in reality was not at all unexpected for an IPA. The beer was clear, sans sea monkeys and formed a nice head. Michelle raised her sample to her nose and exclaimed "Oh god!" at the scent coming off the brew. We tipped the glasses back and my palate was immediately attacked by the extreme bitter taste. The flavour reminded me of a decayed swamp, and the bitterness continued down the throat and the gnarly aftertaste seemed to hang around like a herpes infection. Michelle described the flavour "like sucking on a tree" before declaring she couldn't finish her sample. Brian also gave a thumbs down as he remarked it was like "beer flavoured Halls." Truly a vile and undrinkable product.

BrewDog Punk IPA Final Score:
Michelle - 4
Myself - 4
Brian - 3

Drunken Days of Yore

2010-01-06T16:40:00.017-05:00

The OPSEU Incident

As promised, I have decided to share some drunken stories from my past with you. I hope you find these as funny as I did. The first one I'd like to share takes place somewhere around 1993-1994 in a 4 star hotel at at a party being hosted by a union that I did not, nor did I ever belong to. I like to refer to this drunken adventure as The OPSEU Incident. Keep in mind that some of the names and locations may be changed to avoid the possibility of lawsuits and/or criminal prosecution for the participants in this tale. The facts of what happened however, remain 100% accurate as I remember them occuring.

I received a call one afternoon by an old friend we shall to refer to as Phlegm. Phlegm and I had been friends since Grade 2, and we shared a common bond in that we liked to drink. A lot. The conversation went down like this:

"Hey! Wanna go to a party tonight?"

"Sure. Where's it happening?"

"Some hotel in Toronto. Its some kind of OPSEU party. Redhead says there will be free booze."

Redhead, a member of OPSEU (Ontario Public Service Employees Union) was a fortyish single mother of a couple girls Phlegm was fairly tight with. They all lived together in what I assumed was some kind of party house. I had drank there a couple of times in the past, but really did not know Redhead or her daughters very well at all. Luckily, they really didn't know me either, or they wouldn't be offering me free liquor.

As it turned out, Redhead worked with a fourtyish friend we shall call MILF. MILF had met a co-acquaintance of Phlegm and I named D at a party at Redhead's. As it turned out, MILF had decided she wanted a piece of the 20-something D, and decided an overnight party hosted by her union was the perfect cover to get away from her husband for the night. Seeing how D would be "tied up" so to speak, Phlegm requested to bring me along so he'd have someone to drink with. Redhead agreed with his logic, and 60 minutes later we were on our way.

It turned out that the party was being held at The Prince Hotel in Toronto. Redhead had advised us that she had access to a penthouse suite for the night, and we should come directly up once we arrived. As we entered the lavish suite, MILF pounced on D, handcuffed his hands behind his back and pushed him onto one of the beds. Phlegm, Redhead and I watched amused as MILF did her best to tease D into submission before leading him off to one of the other rooms. Redhead poured out some rum and cokes and Phlegm and I settled into a night of drinking at OPSEU's expense.

To be honest, I am not sure if it was the union or the taxpayer who was footing the bill for this event, but with a sweet room and free booze, I was determined to make the best of it. Redhead explained to us that we were to provide a specific union local number in the event we were questioned by anyone during the night. As it turned out, the first part of the evening was rather uneventful. We were joined by several of Redhead's friends who all seemed pretty cool, but it quickly became apparent that they were more into "social drinking" as opposed to the "power drinking" Phlegm and I were kicking into 3rd gear. To Phlegm and I, these people were total lightweights. Most of them were married, and aside from MILF, they weren't exactly the kind of women either of us were interested in hooking up with. At one point, a very large woman we shall call Grossberger showed up for a drink. As she left the suite, Phlegm grabbed my attention.

"Watch out, man. That Grossberger is a mattress. She only comes to these things to get drunk and hook up with any guy that will have her."

Great. A morbidly obese cougar on the prowl. Just one more factor to throw into a night that was quickly about to become an unpredictable chaotic mess.

At this point, I am not sure if it was general rowdiness, wonton drunkeness or Phlegm threatening to turn on some pay-per-view porn to "liven this party up", but as I was looking for another drink, Redhead told me they were out of booze.

"It is in the other room [in the suite], and people are sleeping in there."

Even through in my drunken stupor, I knew this to be a lie. The bottle we were drinking out of was at least a quarter full last time I filled my glass, and I did not see it nor Redhead nor anyone else wander out of this room since I poured from it. To a half-drunken twenty something on a mission to oblivion, cutting him off was probably the worst thing she could have done.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE OUT OF BOOZE?!?"

"We're out of booze?" asked Phlegm.

"It is in the other room," repeated one of Redhead's friends. "People are sleeping in there."

"WELL GO GET IT! WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE TAKE THE BOOZE IN THE ROOM WITH THEM WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO BED??? THEY DESERVE TO BE WOKEN UP FOR DOING SOMETHING SO STUPID!" I retorted in utter disbelief.

Just as the words were coming out of my mouth, a couple we were drinking with when we first got there came in the room. As they listened to my outburst, they smiled and explained the "real party" was downstairs in the Conference Room.

"They have $1 beers and $2 drinks," said the husband, unbeknownst that Phlegm and I were over 3/4 of the way from "pleasant to be around" to "shitfaced assholes."

While Redhead and her other friends rolled their eyes, Phlegm and I high-fived and made a beeline for the elevator. We located a bank machine and headed for the Conference Room. I walked up to the bar in the conference room and slapped down a $20.

"Give me a tray of rum and cokes," I demanded.

As Phlegm and I proceeded to start downing the rum and cokes like shooters, a forty-something woman came up to us and introduced herself.

"Hi!" said UnionChick. "I was wondering if you would like to volunteer for..."

"I DON'T GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT!" I sneered at her and turned back to my drink.

Apparently, UnionChick did not like my response.

"DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THIS?" she exclaimed. "I HAVE A HUSBAND, THREE KIDS, HELP RUN THIS UNION AND STILL MANAGE TO FIND TIME TO VOLUNTEER! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TIME??? IF I HAVE TIME TO DO IT, YOU HAVE TIME TO DO IT!"

Apparently, UnionChick was some kind of higher-up in OPSEU, and she thought I was some typical lowlife union member that was willising-out on what she considered to be my duty. Both knowing I'd never see her again and wanting to get her off my back, I decided to take a different approach.

"I'm sorry. Of course I can help out. He will too," I replied, pointing at Phlegm and having absolutely no clue what we were volunteering for.

This seemed to win over UnionChick, who then produced a clipboard and asked me my name. After giving her something crafty I made up off the top of my head, she paused.

"And what is your local, Sweetie?" she inquired.

I was lost. The union local was something I was supposed to remember for exactly an event such as this, and I had dropped the ball. Seriously though, why the hell would I have expected anyone to ask something so absurd at a literal feeding trough of cheap liquor? Feeling the chance of being busted increasing by the second, I desperately tried overcoming my drunken state and to employ the Jedi Mind Trick.

"Local number? Damn, I can never rember this," I lauged nervously as I turned to Phlegm. "What the hell is our local number again?"

To this day, I am not sure what Phlegm said to her. However, whatever local number he gave along with whatever fake name he made up for himself seemed to satisfy UnionChick for the moment. She walked off to talk to some other people who then began to eye us suspiciously. Deciding that sticking around the Conference Room would likely result in getting us booted out of the hotel and into the cold Toronto night, we grabbed the tray of drinks and headed back to the room.

At this point, everything starts to get really hazy. However, I do remember that we never mentioned UnionChick to Redhead. We started hitting the drinks hard and the last thing I remember was Phlegm grabbing the remote for the TV and explaining he was going to find some pay-per-view porn.

"Fuck it," he said. "It's not like I am paying for it."

The next thing I knew I was in a world of pain. For me, rum and cokes always taste so good going down, but the hangover is always deadly. My head was throbbing and my guts felt like they were in a blender. I quickly realized I was laying in the middle of the Penthouse floor. As I sat up to get my bearings, my stomach lurched and my head started pounding harder. I found my way to an empty bed and lay down, hoping to shake the wave of vicious nausea. A short time later, Phlegm found me and sat on a chair laughing.

"Dude, that was some piss-up!" he laughed. "Didn't you pass out on the floor?"

I grunted a reply and shut my eyes. When I opened them, Redhead had joined Phlegm and actually looked amused, considering our antics the night before.

"We have to get going soon," she simply stated.

As Phlegm explained we had to wait for D, Grossberger waddled in the room. She listened for a minute, and as Phlegm finished she came over and sat on the bed beside me. As I wondered what the hell her deal was, she suddenly straddled me, leaned down and whispered some kind of sexual suggestion. I can only guess that the physical state I was in at the time, coupled with the look of abject horror on my face at the thought of copulating with this beast were all it took to make her decide to get off me. As she did, my stomach did one final lurch and I ran for the bathroom to vomit.

After I finished dry-heaving what little remained in my guts, I rejoined Phlegm and Redhead. Grossberger was thankfully gone. A few minutes later, D showed up all smiles. Phlegm and I quickly said our goodbyes, grabbed D and headed out the door. Once in the car, we busted out laughing as we recounted the antics of the previous night, and filled D in with the story of UnionChick. D had obviously had a great time with MILF and (Grossberger aside) we all of us considered it a good time all around.

A few months later, I received a call from Phlegm. "Hey man! Remember that OPSEU party we crashed? Well it looks like they are having another one. MILF wants to hook up with D again, so what do you say? Are you interested in a repeat appearance?"

A repeat appearance at another free booze event? Who the hell does he think he is talking to? "Of course I am interested!" I replied.

"Cool. Let me go talk to Redhead."

He put the phone down and I could hear him speaking to someone. I couldn't make out what he said, but I heard the reply as plain as day:

"WHO?!? OH, NO! NOT HIM! NOT HIM!"

I was literally in hysterics when Phlegm returned with the news. He actually sounded hurt when he repeated what she said. I told him not to worry about it. After all, I was still laughing when I hung the phone up. There's nothing quite like leaving a lasting first impression.

Drink of the Month

2010-01-02T12:00:00.002-05:00

Canadian winters bring with them a lot of weather I could personally do without. Snow, sleet, freezing rain and sub-zero temperatures colder than ice planet Hoth are some of the afflictions suffer living in the Great White North. As such, when forced to endure such weather, nothing warms the blood like our first Drink of the Month - a good strong glass of single-malt Scotch whiskey.

As I am sure many of you are aware, I am a big fan of single malt Scotch. Some of my personal favourites include Talisker, Aberlour, Laphroaig and Cragganmore, but you really can't go wrong with any of the high-end malts. I personally drink mine neat with a splash of water to bring out the flavour. It is the perfect accompaniment to a fine Cuban cigar in front of the fire on a cold winter night.

Happy New Year!!!

2010-01-01T16:59:00.009-05:00

First of all, I'd like to wish you all a very happy and prosperous 2010! We have a whole new decade of drinking to jump into, and I am hoping you all make the best of it! My final bender of 2009 proved to be quite blog-worthy. Aside from drinkig copious amounts of Guinness and Cordon Negro, we sampled some truly horrific ale and introduced yet another unsuspecting drunkard to the horrors of streetwine!

Hop Nouveau 2009 Wet Hopped Ale is brewed by Trafalgar Brewing Company in Oakville, Ontario. The ale is the only one brewed in Ontario with hops that are picked the same day as the beer is brewed (hence the "wet hopped" moniker). Suspiciously, the brewery's website does not mention this beer which I suspect may be due to reasons that became readily apparent after cracking it open. The beer poured a clear golden without any sea monkeys, and was very foamy. Actually, "very foamy" may be a gross understatement. This beer was nearly all foam, and the scent of it was very overpowering. As I passed out samples to Michelle, Brian, Roxanne and Dave, Roxanne remarked it smelled like "foam bodywash". We each sampled it and I agreed with Roxanne's assessment that this beer was very soapy tasting, almost as though they didn't rinse the bottles out properly while cleaning them. Brian commented that it tasted something like ginger beer, while Michelle merely stated "this is bad." Dave was having a difficult time with his sample and actually proclaimed that "this is the worst beer I have ever tasted!" He then mixed it with some Heineken and remarked that only mildly improved the flavour.

Hop Nouveau 2009 Wet Hopped Ale - Final Score
Roxanne - 2/10
Brian - 3/10
Michelle - 2/10
Dave - 2/10
Myself - 2/10

Earlier in the evening when I was coming home from work, Brian messaged me and requested to bring some Cisco. While at first I laughed at the absurdity of such a request (especially from him), he explained that Roxanne's boyfriend Dave apparently wanted to try some. Having one bottle of Cisco Strawberry behind the bar for an occasion such as this, I happily complied. After the beer tasting, we headed down the basement and I presented Dave with this hideous bottled demon. Roxanne and Michelle (both of whom I suspect had a good lot of wine in them) stated that they were also willing to try it. Dave cracked open the bottle, ignored the noxious chemical odor and poured out some samples.

As you can see, he poured a mammoth portion for himself and passed out samples. Michelle and Roxanne took one taste of it, and both exclaimed that it was horrific. Despite the reaction from the women, Dave drank his down like a soldier and commented that the stuff was vile. Brian, always the gracious host, produced a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 Orange Jubilee and gave Dave a taste of it as well. Next thing I knew, Brain pulled out the pride of his collection, the almighty Thunderbird!

Now as regular readers of this blog know, my impression of the "taste" of T-Bird is much like the same feeling you get when you stick a 9 volt battery on your tongue. In fact, I think the whole experience of drinking this swill must be something like a mild version of getting tased. Despite my warnings, Dave insisted he wanted to try it. Brian poured out a shot and Dave knocked this back as well. Unfortunately, the pre-Thunderbird smile in the picture above quickly faded into the typical streetwine despair these chemical concoctions are famous for. You can almost feel the poor guy's despair in the picture below.

What a way to ring in the new decade. I tried to get Dave to go whole-hog and knock back a shot of Wild Irish Rose, but he had enough at this point. I can't say I blame him.

In other news, I have some new things planned for Liquor Pig in 2010. This will include reviews on bars in addition to the libations they sell, a "Drink of the Month" and drunken adventures from my liquor-soaked youth. Of course, reader feedback is encouraged and always welcome. Again, here's wishing you all a fantastic 2010 and beyond!

Great Lakes Winter Ale

2009-12-29T20:38:00.005-05:00

Great Lakes Brewery is one of many breweries that market seasonal beers. This practice started with the release of Green Tea Ale last spring, followed by the rather enjoyable Orange Peel Ale last summer, and then there was the horrific Pumpkin Ale that was marketed for Halloween. For Christmas, Great Lakes Brewery has released another seasonal novelty called Winter Ale. Typical of Great Lakes Brewery packaging for it's seasonal products, the beer comes in a 750 ml bottle with the labeling painted directly on the glass, and has an abv of 6.2%.

The Great Lakes website has this to say about the product:

Inspired by the long, cold and seemingly endless Canadian winter, our 6.2% alcohol Winter Ale is a true winter warmer. Handcrafted with specialty hops and malts, combined with generous amounts of cinnamon, honey, ginger and orange peel, this unique beer is brimming with flavour. Available only for a limited time.

Brian picked this one up at the local LCBO and invited me over to try it. After reading the description of what was used to make this brew, I was slightly dismayed with the prospect of reviewing it. I have had several beers (notably from Belgium) that used various spices in their manufacture, and all with the same miserable results. However, having survived both An Evening of Bumwine and such hateful products such as Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale and La Fin Du Monde, I decided that I would not be so easily defeated by a little cinnamon and ginger.

We popped the cap and pured out three samples. The beer is brown with little head, and had no strange smells nor sea monkeys. We tipped our samples back and drank. The beer was very spicy with a strong cinnamon flavour, with something Brian was instantly suspicious about. Michelle remarked it was "definately odd" but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. I personally thought it was quite festive, however it wasn't anything you would want to pound back all night. In fact, we all thought that a 750 of this would likely be too much for one person. While the beer was definitely "brimming with flavour", the unique flavour seemed to overpower the palate to the point where one glass seemed more than enough. As we finished the samples, Brian stated that this was like the "no-name Dr. Pepper of beers."

Great Lakes Winter Ale - Final Score:
Brian - 6/10
Michelle: 5/10
Myself - 6/10

On a final note, this will be the last post for 2009. However, we will be a tasting on New Year's Eve and I will do my best to fight off the hangover for an update on New Year's Day.

From all of us here at Liquor Pig, we wish you a safe and drunken New Years! See you in 2010!!!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T09:50:00.007-05:00

I just wanted to say MERRY CHRISTMAS from all of us here at Liquor Pig. Here's wishing all of you the best in 2010 and beyond!

Delirium Tremens

2009-12-22T17:16:00.007-05:00

While taking a break from the mobs of crazy xmas shoppers last night, Mad Dog Johnny and I stopped in the Beer Bistro for a couple of pints. The Beer Bistro features a menu of some 200+ microbrews and select imports from all countries of the world, as well as representing all styles of beer. Upon arriving, we noticed a coaster depicting a pink elephant and advertising the subject of today's entry, a Belgian oddity called Delirium Tremens.

As we looked over the coaster, we found this quote from Stuart A. Kallen, who apparently ranked this one #1 in his "50 Greatest Beers in the World":

The name Delirium Tremens speaks for itself. Words simply cannot describe the intricate flavour of this beer - but that won't stop me from trying. The colour is golden and the head is creamy and light. The first sip warms my troat and belly like an ols woodstove does a log cabin. It's lightly hopped and surprisingly malty for such an airy, sunshiny beer. The aftertaste is fruity, almost cherry. A warming alcoholic glow works its way down the throat to the stomach. This beer must be sipped slowly so you can revel in each sweet drop. Delirium Tremens has a big body, a rich mouth feel and a long sweet aftertaste.

We ordered up two bottles and noticed that the "warming alcoholic glow" likely stems from this beer's rather heavy 8.7% abv. The beer is served with a narrow-mouthed glass that more resembles a brandy snifter than what would normally have beer served in, and is covered in pink elephants and the Delirium Tremens name. We poured out the beers and noticed the beer does indeed have a golden, if slightly cloudy appearance with a thick creamy head. There were no sea monkeys nor odd scent from the beer, so we tipped our glasses and drank.

The flavour is rather weak, with a strong alcoholic burn on the palate that follows the beer down your gullet and warms the stomach. Mad Dog Johnny remarked the beer tasted "mild, with a hint of ass." Charming. As we drank further, the "hint of ass" seemed to overpower the mild flavour and turned what seemed like an OK brew into another Belgian cup of misery. Halfway through his, Johnny made a face of disgust, and remarked "I don't like it" before chugging the rest down just to get rid of it. I drank the rest of mine at a normal pace, but really cannot say I enjoyed the experience much. It seemed to me that this was just another poor example of brewing from a country that seems to have an extremely overrated history of beer making altogether.

In closing, Mad Dog Johnny summed up his experience as thus:

"Upon completion of said Belsh beer, I found it undeniably justified to approach the bar with the empty bottle in my hand, and bust it over the head of the asspipe that had the nerve to serve it to me!"

Delirium Tremens Final Score:
Mad Dog Johnny - 2/10
Myself - 3/10

I should add that I initially scored this a 5/10, however as the flavour and alcohol taste grew on me, I reduced my feelings accordingly. Perhaps this review will finally put an end to the ridiculous claims that Belgium is some kind of epicentre of beer brewing. In my opinion, the only people who could make such an idiot statement are pretentious morons who really have no clue what good beer tastes like to begin with!

Black Chocolate Stout

2009-12-19T11:56:00.011-05:00

Last spring when I was in Manhattan, I discovered a great draught beer called Brooklyn Lager. Locally brewed by Brooklyn Brewery, it is available in many bars and pubs around New York and was a very nice example of dark, slightly malty brew. Since then, I have tried the bottled version available here in Ontario, and while not quite as good as the draught, was still quite decent. It was due to this experience with Brooklyn Lager that I snapped up Brooklyn Brewery's newly-available Black Chocolate Stout when it became available at the LCBO.

I must admit that while being a massive fan of draught Guinness, I have found bottled stouts to be rather hit-or-miss. While Guinness has gone to great lengths to capture the essence of their world-famous draught with their very good "pub draught" bottles and cans, other breweries seem to flood the market with very bitter, overly-malted stouts often with excessive alcohol content. Knowing this, I had rather mixed feelings about the Brooklyn Brewery product when I noted the devestating 10% abv. However, based on my prior experience with their lager, I thought it was worth the risk. Further inspection of the packaging noted this beer contains only water, malted barley, hops and yeast, along with this description of the product:

Limited Bottling - Winter 09-10

In the last century, British brewers made strong stouts for the Czar's Court. They were called Imperial Stouts. Our Black Chocolate Stout, brewed once yearly for the winter season achieves a chocolate aroma and flavour through the artful blending of six varieties of black, chocolate and roasted malts.

Back at Brian's, we chilled the beer and sat down for the tasting. Michelle seemed overly excited at the prospect of a "chocolate" beer (typical woman!), however once I reminded her that not one of the so-called "chocolate" beers ever reviewed on this blog tasted like chocolate, her excitement faded somewhat. The first thing we noticed once this thick brew was poured into the glasses was it is black, and when I say black I mean literally the antithesis of a summer afternoon black. The great white shark's "doll's eyes" black. Dante's 7th Circle of Hell black (you get the picture). Coupled with this demonic blackness was the oily look of the liquid in the glass. While I have reviewed serveral beers on here that looked like old engine oil, the properties of this brew even behaved like oil in that it actually left a film on the sides of the glass as it was gently swirled around. Not a good sign at all.

By now, Michelle's former excitement about drinking chocolate beer had completely dissolved as she looked with disgust into her sample, possibly contemplating Nietzsche. We raised our glasses with a hearty 'salut!' and drank. The immediate taste was very strong and nasty malt, which finished bitterly on the palate and gave a slight alcohol burn as it went down. The malty bitterness did not fade, but stayed as strong as the initial taste. Brian remarked "this stuff climbs into your mouth, moves right in and doesn't flush!" As Michelle choked down the remains of her sample, she contemplated, "Who'd drink this? Seriously." As I waxed nostalgic about springtime in New York with this beer's sexy cousin, I really did have to wonder.

Black Chocolate Stout Final Score:
Michelle - 2
Brian - 1
Myself - 3

Westmalle Dubbel

2009-12-12T19:39:00.014-05:00

Greetings! I apologize to my loyal followers who have been clamouring via email and comments for a new review. Instead of a lame excuse, I am simply going to state that the fall comprises of two things for me: hunting and football. While alcohol consumption is a part of both of these things, I have not had time to evaluate anything blog-worthy in some time. As such, there has not been an update in far too long. But fear not, I have not been incarcerated or done something silly like joining AA, so you can sit back, pour a drink of your choice and read today's offering from one of my least favourite beer-producing countries: Belgium!

Last week, a co-worker sent me an article on Vancouver's pub scene that appeared in the Toronto Star on 7 December 2009 (they are all aware of my particular penchant for alcohol, pubs and drinking in general). While the article was quite interesting, I recoiled in horror when I read this particular review for Stella's Tap & Tapas Bar:

You've woken with a Tom Waits voice and a head that feels like a melon on a toothpick. Welcome to the aftermath of a night out worshipping at the altar of the world's best ale-making nation. Belgian brews from Leffe and Stella Artois are on draft in a barroom lined with light, pilsner-hued wood. But it's the multi-page bottled list that'll do you in. Try fruity Mort Subite Kriek, coppery Chimay Rouge and dark X.O., a brooding, end-of-the-night beer made with cognac. And don't forget that other nutrient group: moules et frites is recommended but a cone of crispily addictive fries (served Euro-style with mayonnaise) is always a good idea.

As anyone who has followed this blog would know, many of the beers mentioned in this article have been reviewed here, and none of them were worth a return down memory lane (unless you want to get sick, that is). While the ever-popular Stella Artois is a bit of an exception to this rule, I cannot understand why anyone would pay a premium price for a beer that is quite literally the Molson Canadian of Belgium. To be perfectly honest, this bar sounds like it would be the perfect hell for me to spend eternity in (providing the Stella tap was always dry). After forwarding the description of Stella's Tap and Tapas Bar to Brian, he suggested doing yet another Belgian beer review to demonstrate once again that the Belgians know absolutely nothing about making beer.

I picked up this bottle of Westmalle Dubbel at my local LCBO. It comes in a funny 330 ml ring-necked bottle and has an ABV of 7%. Aside from the name, the entire label is written in Belgian, so no further information on this beer was available at the time of purchase. However, the Westmalle website had this to say:

Westmalle Dubbel is a dark, reddish-brown Trappist beer with a secondary fermentation in the bottle. The creamy head has the fragrance of special malt and leaves an attractive lace pattern in the glass. The flavour is rich and complex, herby and fruity with a fresh-bitter finish. It is a balanced quality beer with a soft feel in the mouth and a long, dry aftertaste. The Dubbel contains 7% alcohol.

Since 1856 the monks have also been brewing a dark Trappist beer along with their table beer. Since the recipe was modified in 1926, they have been brewing slightly heavier beer. This is the foundation of today’s Dubbel.

The 33 cl bottles are distributed individually, in baskets of six or in 24 bottle crates. The Westmalle Dubbel is also the only dark Trappist beer available on draught in some 300 selected hotels, restaurants and cafes, from kegs of 30 and 50 litres. Dubbel Trappist continues to ferment, making the draught version slightly sweeter than the bottled version.

Dubbel Trappist is also available in 75 cl bottles, in which the beer matures differently than the smaller bottles. You will particularly notice a more subtle aftertaste.

Back at Brian's, we chilled the beer and set out a few glasses for the tasting. I popped the cap and poured out the samples of what appeared a lot like homebrew to me. Michelle compared the colour of the beer to A&W root beer, while Brian stated the beer was the same colour as tar shampoo. There was no scent coming from the beer to mention, and with a healthy "Cheers!" we tipped our glasses and drank. There really was no up-front taste from this dark brew, however it left a very gross aftertaste in the back of the palate as it quite literally burned all the way down the gullet. Not a pleasant experience at all. Brian stated the taste was "mediciney" as Michelle commented that it was simply "awful". As I choked down the last of my sample, I declared this stuff was crap and after a taste of this swill, "you'd never drink it again!" Perhaps, this will finally put an end to the ridiculous myth that the Belgians make the best beer in the world. 95% of the beers I have tried from this country have been just god-awful. AVOID!

Westmalle Dubbel Final Score:
Michelle - 3/10
Brian - 3/10
Myself - 3/10

Turn to the Dark Pint Luke

2009-12-08T16:31:00.006-05:00

From Beer News.Org

(Woodbridge, CT) – Note received from the brewery’s Matt Westfall:

“Just a heads up on New England Imperial Stout Trooper. This will be hitting shelves the week before Christmas in 750ml bottles. Same great beer, but now in bigger bottles. As far as quantity, it’s looking like about 150 cases of 750ml bottles will leave the brewery. There are plans for a bourbon barrel aged version to be released at the brewery sometime around March.”
Sometime around Monday, 12/21, the beer will be sent from distributors to stores, this according to a Beer Advocate poster who got the info from the brewery’s Rob Leonard. Leonard has posted his own update in the thread:

“We distribute in CT, MA, RI, NY? and FL. We listened to the BA voice and made IST more affordable and brewed twice as much this year. Our target shelf price is $13.99 for a 750ml- not bad, right? Better than $10 for a 12 oz. The bourbon barrel aged IST will be a brewery only release, but the 750s will go to the stores who have supported us to keep it fair. There may be a very limited growler opportunity TBA.”

With an average of 4.31 on Beer Advocate, IST appears to be very close to breaking the top 100, should that average hold up on this next batch. This is the first time the beer will appear in 750’s after previously being available in 12 oz. bottles.

While I'd like to try this for the blog, I fear that my Star Wars obsessed 7 year old would find it and chug every single bottle before I'd have the chance. Damn you Lucas....

-BrAiN

Neustadt 10W30

2009-09-02T03:44:00.005-04:00

This one comes as a request from Stokely Wilks on the Liquor Pig Facebook group. I located it at the Pickering LCBO, and brought it over to Brian's for an evaluation. After chilling the contents, further inspection of the can found this ale described as a "malty grain premuim dark ale" with an abv of 5.5%. The back of the can stated the following:

Only the finest ingredients and our own Natural Spring Water are used to Craft-Brew this Award-Winning Malty Grain Premium Dark Ale.

Remembering my experience with Harviestoun Old Engine Oil, I was somewhat looking forward to this experience. However, the two products would prove to be vastly different on several levels.

Cracking the can, the contents poured very dark with little head. I passed Brian his sample and we remarked on the lack of smell from the beer. There was a hint of malt, but nothing to overpowering. Tasting proved to be something altogether different, though. While Harviestoun Old Engine Oil was a pleasant surprise, this beer has a very harsh, malty profile up front and suffers from extreme aftertaste issues in the finish. Brian attempted to take another drink to fully appreciate the strong flavour, and lowered his glass with a hearty "no more!" He remarked that this beer was almost Cthulhu-esque, in that it was like having an alien inside of you: the aftertaste tentacles simply do not let go. In defense of 10W30, I will go on record to state this could be a great ale for a very cold winter night, but it really is a poor choice for a warm summer evening.

Thanks again to Stokely Wilks for the suggestion on this one, and please keep them coming!

Pillitteri Estates Select Harvest

2009-08-26T00:17:00.006-04:00

While at my mother's for dinner last week, we ran out of wine. Scrounging around her liquor cabinet came up with this tarnished gem that my mother had picked up on a winery tour with my sister. This self-described "sweet red wine" is produced by Pillitteri Estates in Niagra-on-the-Lake in Ontario, and has an abv of 11.2%. The bottle was a 2004 vintage, and we uncorked it having no idea what it would taste like. However, this bottle would soon prove to hold a nsaty surprise.

The initial nose on pouring the orangy-red liquid was of straight medicine. Raising her glass to her nose, my mother commented that it "smelled off." Hesitantly, we raised our glasses and drank. The flavour assaulted the tastebuds with a sickly sweet medicinal flavour that was more pronounced that the initial nose. It literally made me think "this must be what Southern Comfort's chardonnay-swilling aunt must taste like!" Keep in mind, I had never drank "late harvest" or so-called "ice wine" before, so it may just be that the style didn't agree with me. However, this stuff was downright nasty. As my mother lowered her glass, she remarked that she had drank low-quality homemade wine that tasted better than this crap. Caveat emptor.

Tusker Quality Lager

2009-08-17T14:07:00.003-04:00

Imagine driving six and half hours through the Serengeti. Tired and parched you see a local tavern up ahead, where you stop for food, rest and an ice-cold ale. As your eyes adjust to the darkness within, you find see this elephant-headed logo an an advertising poster for a local beer. You order one and as you pour out the amber liquid, you think this is going to be either a terrible experience, or possibly the greatest beer I have ever had...

I was not on the Serengeti when I tried this one. However Brian did relate a story about some friends that did travel to Africa and experienced a scenario much like the one I described above. After arriving at the tavern, his friends ordered a local beer called Burpee. While three of the four beers brought to the table were fine, one of the party thought their Burpee was a "little off". The other three friends took a sip, agreed and then complained to the waiter. The waiter took on whiff of the questionable bottle, and immediately replaced it with a fresh one. Unfortunately, one sip was all it took to place everyone's digestive tract on "nuclear holocaust" on a trip through Africa's wilderness where a decent toilet is pratically unheard of. As such, we all had serious reservations when we cracked this one.

Inspecting the bottle did not provide much information other than the product has been produced since 1922 by Kenya Breweries Ltd. in Nairobi, and has an ABV of 4.2%. As I passed around the samples, we all noted that this beer did not have any kind of offensive odour, and was devoid of any kind of sea monkeys. With a hearty "cheers!" we tipped our glasses and drank. Surprisingly, this beer was actually very decent. While not being some kind of flavour explosion, it was not bitter, too sweet, overhopped or excessively malty and did not have any kind of lingering aftertaste. Michelle earnestly stated this beer was good and Brian added Tusker is the "second beer from Africa I like" (the fist being South Africa's Castle). All in all, I thought Tusker was a very refreshing beer that I can see gracing my refridgerator again. If I were the Serengeti on some kind of safari, I'd be grateful to find it available in a local pub in the bush. While Tusker may not be anything truly exceptional, it is a great refreshing brew for the dog days of summer - or an African safari across the Serengeti.

Greene King Abbot Ale

2009-08-09T22:57:00.003-04:00

Another common sight at the LCBO is this disaster from Suffolk, England (sans the little lego man sitting on the can, of course). The cream and red can was deceptive enough, however seeing "brewed longer for a distinctive full flavour" should have been the tip off that this English ale was going to be a disaster. During my tenure at running this blog, I have found that most beer and ale that describes itself as 'full flavoured' are usually of the variety that end up in the toilet - either immediately after the initial tasting or immmediately following a bad drunk on them. Further inspection of this one found it had a modest abv of 5% and stated this about it's contents:

Abbot Ale is brewed longer to a unique recipe. This makes it a full flavoured, smooth and mature beer. It is brewed in the heart of Suffolk where master brewers have been perfecting beers of real character since 1799. So whether you are looking for a beer to enjoy with food, or simply on its own, Abbot Ale is the perfect choice.

Brian was a little hesitant when I brought this one over possibly due to the portrait of what we assumed to be the Abbot this ale is named after. Unlike the Corporal on the Corporal Brown's bottle, the Abbot is actually smiling. However, we soon found out the reason for that smile, and it was not the kind you should be pleased about seeing.

I popped the can and poured out two samples. The beer was brown and had very little head. As Brian raised his sample to his nose and exclaimed "smells good!" in the most sarcastic voice he could muster. This beer literally smelled like pain. With a shudder we raised our glasses and throwing all caution to the wind, we drank. The brew was malty, had a very bitter profile and literally attacked the throat on the finish. Surprisingly it was not bland like many English ales, but it was very hard to drink. "The Abbot is a corrupt soul," noted Brian looking at that crooked little smile on theAbbot's face as we both agreed that this one simply sucks. Perhaps the recommendation to enjoy Abbot Ale with food may in fact be so you can wash the flavour completely out of your mouth in the event you are served something that actually tastes worse than this hideous disaster. Corruption, indeed!

Summer Lightning Golden Ale

2009-07-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

When I purchased this one, I wholly expected a pretentious ale with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. From the cross-eyed pagan motif on the label to the sea monkeys visible when held up to the light, one had to wonder how good this stuff could be. Further inspection indicated this beer is brewed in England by Hopback Brewery and has an ABV of 5%. The back label also explained that this beer is "bottle conditioned" and contained "natural yeast sediment" (aka sea monkeys) and it should be stored in an upright to prevent the sediment from mixing in the beer. The brewery's website has this to say about the product:

A trendsetter in the brewing industry; the original Summer ale brewed all year round. An extremely pleasant bitter, straw coloured beer with a terrific fresh, hoppy aroma. This, coupled with an intense bitterness, leads to an excellent long, dry finish. Probably the beer to receive the most awards in Britain!

The beer pours out golden with a thin head that barely leaves lacing in the glass. It had no discernable scent other than beer. We poured it carefully to leave most of the sea monkeys in the bottle, and knocked it back without hesitation. Surprisingly, the flavour was mild with a slightly bitter finish. Brain commented that he could get drunk on it and that there was nothing bad to say about this one. Overall, a decent beer from a country that makes very few of them. I recommend keeping an eye out for it.

Orange Peel Ale

2009-07-27T11:15:00.003-04:00

This is an oddity from Great Lakes Brewery that I had picked up several times at the LCBO and placed back on the shelf. As regular readers of this blog know, I am not a huge fan of fruit-flavoured beer to begin with, and furthermore there is just something about "orange peel ale" that screams "jailhouse hooch." In the crazier days of my youth, I knew a few people that had served time as "wards of the state" and they had all told stories about how orange peels is one of the main ingredients to making prison booze. Despite my reservations (or perhaps because of them), I finally bit the bullet and picked up a bottle to try. Would this prove to be a tasty, fruit-infused beverage, or a bottled nightmare designed to remind cultured ex-convicts about their days on the range? We would soon find out!

Further inspection of the bottle indicated this was "beer brewed with oranges" and has an ABV of 5.3%. The back of the bottle had this to say about the product:

In our quest to bring you the most flavourful and unique beers possible, we are proud to release this tasty summer ale. Handcrafted with five specialty malts and five varieties of hops, along with just a touch of honey, we added heaps of fresh oranges and peels into the boil. A little different, you say? We sure hope so. Orange Peel Ale balances the unique flavour of oranges with generous amounts of hops to achieve a slightly fruity and refreshing taste.

Unfortunately, that description sent further involuntary shivers down my spine as this sounded like a recipe for disaster. Brian seconded my reservations, and as we poured it into our glasses, we felt that black cloud of dread creep into the room. Brian raised his glass first and smelled the contents, declaring that it had no smell other than beer. There really was no indication of what this beer was made from, other than barley and hops. We both raised our cups and drank. Surprisingly, this was a refreshing beverage with a crisp taste and a slight citrus note on the finish. Brian exclaimed "this is good beer!" as I was at loss to come up with anything bad to say about the product. Different but decent, this is an excellent beer for a lazy summer barbecue or relaxing around the pool. Don't let visions of Cell Block H scare you away from giving it a try.

Fuller's London Porter

2009-07-22T03:20:00.004-04:00

On the heels of Fuller's ESB, we have reviewed another product from this English brewery. I picked this up at the LCBO along with several other ales that Brian and I reviewed that night. The can stated the contents were "rich, dark and complex" and it had an ABV of 5.4%.

The Fuller's website has this to say about their London Porter:

Fuller's London Porter is ranked the number one tasting Porter in the world on ratebeer.com. Indeed, London Porter is a superb, award-winning beer having captured the gold and silver medals at the 1999, 2000 and 2002 International Beer & Cider Competitions.

The origins of Porter date back to London in the early nineteenth century when it was popular to mix two or three beers -- usually an old, well-vatted or "stale" brown ale -- with a new brown ale and a pale ale. It was time-consuming for the pub owner to pull from three casks for one pint, so brewers in London tested and produced a new beer, known as entire, to match the tastes of such mixtures. Using high roasted malts, entire was dark, cloudy and hoppy. It was also easily produced in bulk and ideally suited to the soft well water of London. Very quickly, it became popular among the porters working in Billingsgate and Smithfield markets. Gradually, the beer took on the name Porter in recognition of its greatest devotees.

I popped the chilled can and poured the rich, black contents into a couple of glasses. Being a fan of Irish stout, I wondered how bad this one could be? It didn't smell bad, and the white, creamy head looked quite appealling. We both raised our glasses and took a hefty pull.

"Tarry!" came the exclamation from Brian as this one hit his tastebuds. Unlike Guinness which has a pleasant malt taste, London Porter is extremely malty and seemed to attack the tongue with a burnt chocolate taste as you drank it. While I was able to stomach mine, Brian had huge problems with this one. "I can't drink this," he stated. "It is like a Reese's commercial gone horribly wrong!" The heavy flavour of this one may be enjoyed by those who like their beer dark and malty, but keep in mind this is definitely no Guinness. As Brian dumped the contents of his glass, his final comment was "I don't need a tongue glove."

Fuller's ESB Champion Ale

2009-07-15T12:43:00.003-04:00

My apologies for the lack of updates. While the summer is a time when I consume untold gallons of ale, I am often found in Ontario's north country on my days off, far from any kind of internet access. However, I will try to post more regularly in the future. Have no fear, I have not quit drinking! After all, a summer without alcohol is akin to a world without air. Seriously. Now on to the subject of today's review.

As regular readers of this blog are aware, I am not a huge fan of English ale. Aside from Bass Ale and Fuller's London Pride, I really can't give glowing recommendations to many of the beers coming out of England (gin is a different story, however). So I understandably had my reservations when I spotted this example of English brewing at the Ajax LCBO. While it was from England, it was made by Fuller's and being the author of this blog, I had to try it out.

Further research on the Fuller's website yielded this glowing praise:

ESB's reputation as the best British beer around is borne out by the amazing number of awards it has won. The US Beverage Tasting Institute named ESB "World Champion Bitter" in 1997 and 1998. ESB received the Gold Medal in the Premium Ales category at the 2003 International Beer Competition and a Silver medal in the same event in 2004. In addition, ESB won another Silver in the Strong Bitter category at the 2002 Great British Beer Festival. And no beer has won more CAMRA awards, including Best Strong Ale in 1978, 1979, 1981, 1983, 1985, 1987 and 1991, and Champion Beer of Britain in 1978, 1981 and 1985.

With a track record like that, there is little wonder this is being marketed in North America as "Champion Ale". So after chilling the beer down, I grabbed my favourite pint glass and sat down to give this beer the full Liquor Pig treatment.

The can gives no indication of the awards this beer has won, save for the "champion" moniker in the description. It pours a clear dark brown with a nice head that laces the glass as it is consumed, and has an abv of 5.9%. I raised the glass and could not detect any skunkiness or otherwise "off" odours. The ale has a very sweet and malty profile, with slightly more hops in the flavour than I would have liked but not enough to render it undrinkable (unlike some of the swill that passes for beer I have reviewed). Ultimately, I wouldn't rank this up with Bass or London Pride, but it certainly is much better than Boddington's or Tetley's. While it wasn't an instant hit with me, I can see why fans of English style bitter praise it so highly.

Wild Irish Rose

2009-06-23T11:44:00.004-04:00

My wild Irish Rose,
The sweetest flower that grows.
You may search everywhere,
But none can compare
With my wild Irish Rose.

-Traditional

Returning to this blog's roots, Brian picked up a bottle of another member of the Big Five of the streetwine crowd, Richard's Wild Irish Rose. It should be noted that I had severe reservations on drinking this one after the nightmare that became An Evening of Bumwine. Brian had left the bottle in the fridge for two days, as the back label on the bottle exclaimed "SERVE COLD" in big, bold letters. We had a couple cans of liquid courage to get the nerve up to drink this swill, and after selecting a couple Star Trek glasses, we sat down for the tasting.

First of all, I would like to make it clear that this keif is as wholly unnatural coloured as Strawberry Cisco, which led me to believe this would be less like "wine" and more like a chemical laced carcinogen cocktail. After pouring two glasses the smell of this hooch filled the room with its disgusting odour. Not a good start at all. The liquid is clear and a near-flourescent red. Further inspection of the label concluded this was being passed off as "grape wine with citrus spirits" and had a abv of 17%. Throwing all caution to the wind, we tipped our glasses and drank. The sickly sweet taste of this stuff was reminscent of cough syrup. It didn't taste like grape wine at all and the flavour was obviously there to hide something much more sinister. Furthermore, while MD 20/20 "Red" actually tasted like wine, Wild Irish Rose did not even try to trick you into thinking this was actually made from fermented grapes. The "red" splashed prominently on the label is not an actual flavour or indication of this bottle's contents. I would hate to see what the "white" version of this stuff would taste like without the "red" flavouring to cover it up. This stuff literally tastes like a chemical cocktail with plenty of sugar to cover up what it is really made from. I cannot even fathom the long-term effects would be of a stint with this Irish gal, nor even what a single bottle may do to you if consumed in one sitting. Seriously, if given the choice between living under a bridge and having Irish Rosie to look forward to every night or simply hanging myself, I'd choose suicide without a second thought. This one is to be avoided unless you really are curious what it is like to get plastered wino-style.

Livivske Premium Lager

2009-06-11T17:21:00.004-04:00

This one was another find at the 'shwa LCBO on my way up to Mad Dog Johnny's sisters place in Tweed for an afternoon of 12 gauge mayhem. I had never aven heard of "AbIBCbKE" beer before, so it was a given it would be reviewed. After we had wasted several hundred rounds of ammo and ate dinner, we sat down to some serious drinking and after everyone was feeling pretty good, I pulled out the "mystery beer".

Further inspection of the lable states this one is "Livivske Premium Lager" but gives no indication of the country of origin. Everything else on the lable was written with words that were seriously lacking in vowels, so we could discern nothing more about it. We sat out four glasses and poured some samples. The lager was a very clear golden colour with a white head and no sea monkeys whatsoever. We took our samples and drank. I could detect no odour from the beer and it initially seemed like a crisp lager. Mike stated "I'd buy this. I could totally see myself drinking it". Gillian (who by this time was 3/4 through a magnum of blush wine) said she liked the taste, but "it may just be the wine". Mad Dog Johnny stated that "it doesn't taste like I'll shit blood tomorrow." What a charmer.

However, as we took another drink something strange happened. We all detected what seemed like a taint in the ale. It started on the tongue and covered the inside of the mouth like a film. At that point, Mike and I had reservations about this one and I saw Gillian pour the rest of her sample into Johnny's glass. Not good at all. The taint on this ale was enough to turn us all off it, and I hazard to guess what a good drunk on this stuff would do to you. In the end we unanimously decided that "AbBIBCbKE" was likely Russian for "The Taste of Chernobyl." This isn't one that will be getting a second chance from me.

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat Beer

2009-06-03T13:26:00.005-04:00

After a four hour drive to Michigan (where we decided to skip lunch to beat holiday traffic) our first instincts were to find a place to find that had which we craved most: food and beer.

Our choices were limited to a local Biker Bar or an Applebee's, the Applebee's won because I don't like getting hit in the head much and I can probably take the average Applebee's patron.

The bar at said chain restaurant was stocked with a good deal of stuff I'd never had before, so it proved to be an excellent choice. After hearing the long draught list, I ordered a Sam Adams Cherry Wheat.

Why I did that: Sometimes I am still an eight year old and the thought of "cherry" makes everything better, it's hyper sweet taste improves cola, cough syrup and sundaes, so I am programmed to order it when I hear it.

After I took my first sip and discovered what cherries and beer taste like together, I remembered Dennis Leery's infamous Christmas beer rant from "Lock N Load" (transcribed below):

“Hey man, look what I got you for Christmas.”“What’s that?”“Special Sam Adams Christmas beer dispenser, man.”“Oh really?”“Yeah, it’s six different flavors…”“Y’know what? Put it in the fridge. Put it in the bottom of the fridge and bury it.”
“So months go by, of course, right? Now I’m eating pretzels and I’m thirsty. I go and open the refrigerator, I see a beer out of the corner of my eye. I grab it, I open it up SLUUURP! PHBBBBBT! Cran..berry ale. Cranberry nut crunch fucking ale! Let me tell you something, folks. Cranberries and beer do NOT go together, okay? One’s for bladder infections, one’s for getting drunk! I take a look at the label of my beer; you know what’s on my beer label? Santa Claus is on my beer label. I swear to God! Why don’t you put the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy on there, too. Call it ‘Pussy Ale’ while you’re at it, go ahead.”

After about three sips, the cherry stopped punching me in the face so much and perhaps it was the effect of a beer on an empty stomach but it became a tolerable beverage. For the second round I chose something different because honestly, I couldn't do two in a row.

The bottom line is, this tastes like Sam Adams and cherry juice mixed together, I did not find it offensive but it's not a taste I find myself craving either. To each his own I guess.....

_BRaIN

Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen

2009-05-25T16:48:00.006-04:00

Queen Victoria's birthday on the 24th of May unofficially marks the start of the summer season here in Canada. The end of the harsh Canadian winter ushers in a new season of barbeques, skimpy clothing and drunken afternoons spent on the patio. In the warm sun, nothing goes down like a cold bottle of German hefeweizen and I was pleased to see that the LCBO has been making an effort to bring in more of examples of this excellent style of brewing. Being a huge fan of Erdinger Weissbier, I stopped into my local LCBO to pick up a few bottles for the evening barbeque when I spotted a new weissbier on the shelf. I grabbed a few for my Mix 8 and headed home with my purchase.

Hailing from the world's oldest brewery, Weihenstephaner is a Bavarian-style wheat beer with an abv of 5.4%. The Weihenstephaner website states that the brewery started between 725 and 768 in the Bavarian city of Freising by Benedictine monks. Later, it became the Royal Bavarian State Brewery until finally being privatized as a regulated enterprise of the Freestate of Bavaria. Today, Weihenstephaner brews 11 standard beers and 2 alcohol free varieties. Their hefe weissbeir is their only product I have personally seen in North America.

Like most examples of weissbier, Weihenstephaner pours a cloudy golden-orange with a thick foamy head. The beer gives off a distinct yet pleasant spicy odour with no alcohol scent. The brew starts with a slightly sweet, yeasty flavour reminscent of most wheat beers, moves to the back of the palate with the slight spiciness hinted at in the nose, and continues with a slightly bitter finish. The taste lingers but does not overpower, and the crisp finish makes one wanting more. A definate thirst quencher for those dog days of summer, I can easily see many a drunken afternoon in the coming months with a fridge full of these. Overall, and excellent example of this style of brewing. Enjoy!

Foster's Premium Ale

2009-05-24T16:13:00.004-04:00

This was another find of Brian's in Novi. Having been discussing Foster's on the drive down to Michigan, I think he had it on the brain when he got to the liquor store. I was somewhat curious about this one, as I have drank the regular blue-can Foster's in the past and wanted to see what the premium version was like. I suppose it should be stated that many people equate Foster's with "kangaroo piss" so I my expectations weren't that high.

The can was massive and lists the abv at 5.4%. The beer poured out a rich amber-brown with a thick white head. There was no discernable smell from it, save what you would expect from a dark ale. We both knocked back our glasses and found the taste to be smooth up front, but brutally bitter in the finish - not good at all. Looking on the 'net for more info on this one, I found out that this "premium ale" is actually just a repackaged version of Foster's Special Bitter! Little wonder there was such a hideous bitterness in the finish. I wouldn't recommend this one unless you are a fan of bitters and want to see what the Aussies can come up with. You can read about the renaming of this brew by clicking here.

Werewolf Beer

2009-05-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

"You must be sure you want to taste it!" was the tagline on this Lithuanian oddity that Brian picked out at the Novi liquor store, Werewolf seemed to be an appropriate name with an abv of 8.2%, and the brew also contained sea monkeys which were apparent when held up to the light. Unlike the horrific Taj Mahal, this one actually had some info on the back:

Brewery Rinkuskiai was established in the year 1991 in the Birzai Region known as Beer Country in Lithuania. Rinkuskiai beer quality is the result of old traditions in Beer Country, experience of the past generations and innovations of the modern days. That makes Rinkuskiai beer one of the most exclusive in Lithuania. WEREWOLF has an attractive dark color, slightly sweet, reach taste of malt and slight aroma of hops. Want to drink more? Oh, yes! And be aware that WEREWOLF is based on the old recipe of one of the best birzai beers.

Slightly sweet REACH taste? The pigeon English on this lable was a bit over the top. Perhaps they were trying to overplay the wolfman schtick by trying to sound like one of the Gypsies in Universal Studios classic 1941 film. Regardless, we poured out a couple glasses and drank. Aside from a slight alcohol scent, Werewolf didn't smell that bad. However, the flavour was very overhopped and not that great. I am fairly certain that this one would have had a much worse rating, but after the Taj Mahal experience earlier in the evening, Cisco would likely have tasted good. Regardless, given the excessive alcohhol content I am sure a night after drinking a dozen or so of these may actually result in waking up in an unknown place, missing some or all of your clothing, possibly covered in blood and unable to remember the events the night before - much like the victims of lycanthropy in Hollywood films!

Taj Mahal Lager

2009-05-19T12:15:00.006-04:00

"Slow Brewed for the Connoisseur" states the label on this abysmal example of the brewer's art. I can honestly state that it is a rare occasion indeed when a single beverage can turn me off drinking for two days afterward, but Taj Mahal did exactly that. Brian and I had arrived in Novi and went straight to a liquor store to see what the "Great Lakes State" had to offer, and after looking over the multitude of brews available, I chose this monstrosity. We collected up the rest of our purchases and headed back to the hotel for a sampling.

Brian had serious reservations about Taj Mahal the moment he found out it was brewed in India. However, I have drank both Cobra and Kingfisher and while they may not be the finest examples of award-winning lager, they were both drinkable. Unfortunately, this did not prove to be the case with this bottled demon. I popped the cap and poured out two glasses. After handing one to Brian, I heard him exclaim, "it stinks!". I took a whiff of the liquid in my glass and was immediately treated to a full-on nasal assault. "Jesus, this IS bad!" I replied as I started to realize that this was starting to resemble one of those situations not unlike putting your truck on the roulette table in Vegas. I personally have no idea where the water is obtained to brew this stuff, but the smell immediately conjured up images of waterlogged corpses floating down the Ganges River. Hesitantly, I raised the glass to my lips and took a large mouthful. I can only describe the acrid taste as what I imagine a beer tastes like after someone pissed in it after a night of eating asparagus and drinking homemade corn whiskey. Brian tried his and observed "some things dance across the tongue... This is like a dog dragging its ass across it!". Undaunted, I raised my glass again to see if it got better after the initial taste - it didn't. I took the third pull a voice in my head suddenly screamed "WHY AM I STILL DRINKING THIS?!?" as I got up to dump the remainder of this vile brew down the drain.

I can't complete this review without a report on what this beer did to my digestive system. I know it was the Taj Mahal because Brain and I drank equal amounts of everything else that night with this one exception. I spare you the disgusting details, but the symptoms I experienced included hideous gas, stomach pain and a lower intestinal tract that was somehow set to "nuclear holocaust". These symptoms required copious amounts of Pepto to alleviate, and I was unable to do any further samplings the following night. Take my advice and try this one at your own risk. Seriously, it IS that bad!

St. Peter's English Ale

2009-05-04T08:00:00.001-04:00

This one is another product from the LCBO that basically screamed "drink me!" as I walked by. Although the label says English ale, I gave into temptation to find out what was contained in the green glass of the medicine-like bottle on the shelf. St. Peter's Organic English Ale is brewed in a medieval hall in a remote, rural corner of Suffolk, England. Made with organically grown barley and hops, it is described as a "refreshingly wholesome flavoured ale with a delicate character" and an abv of 4.5%. The flask-shaped bottle is a "faithful copy" of one made in 1770 for a Thomas Gerrard of Gibbstown, which is located across the Delaware River from Philadelphia.

I popped it open and poured the golden ale into a pint glass. The medium head was typical for this style of ale, and the beer has no discernible scent. I raised the glass and let the cold brew slide over my tongue. While the main flavour profile was normal for English ale (in other words, bland and unremarkable), the taste was heavily punctuated by the musty overhopping common in many modern microbrews. Unfortunately, I am not a fan of overhopped ale, and this one pulled no punches. Normally, I would have sinked it right then and there, but the $3.55 price tag along with a craving for a San Cristobel de Havana changed my mind. Combined with the medium flavour of a good Cuban cigar, the ale was quite enjoyable and made for an excellent kick off to my weekend.

Ochakovo Premium Lager

2009-05-02T14:15:00.005-04:00

Being laid up on Percocet after oral surgery has somewhat affected my ability to update this blog, mostly because opiate-based painkillers lay me out cold and booze just makes it worse. However, I did dig up an unpublished review from last St. Patrick's Day when Mad Dog Johnny came by for a piss-up and a traditional Irish corned beef dinner. I had picked up this oddity at the Mississauga LCBO by my sister's house, and we sampled it while the corned beef was boiling. While I am unable to deciper the Soviet cyrillic alphabet, I did determine that this lager is brewed in Moscow, Russia by Ochakovo Breweries and has an abv of 4.5%.

The first thing I noticed was the ingenious pop-off cap the Russians included as part of the packaging, which eliminates the need for a church key or Bic lighter to open your ale. The cap comes off quite easily, and the beer did not show any kind of flatness or deterioration of quality. As I poured out two glasses, a lacy head formed over the golden lager. I handed one to Johnny and with a hearty sláinte, we raised our glasses. Before the ale even went down Johnny's throat, he commented that the smell of this hooch was "more invasive to the nasal passages than lo-grade cocaine." I tipped my glass back, and found the taste was very similar to generic American lager. While it wasn't the best lager reviewed on this site, the pull-ring opener was novelty enough to justify the purchase. Fans of other Russian lager like Baltika 3 may want to try it for comparison.

Get Drunk and Vote for me

2009-04-27T09:40:00.003-04:00

Liberal aimed to engage voters with free beer

Source: ctvbc.ca

The BC Liberal Party's election campaign was facing more distractions Saturday. This time a well known Liberal politician is being questioned over a controversial poster that was released by his supporters.

The poster indicates that supporters of Kootenay East Liberal candidate Bill Bennett are offering free beer to anyone who comes to a meeting at a local pub.
"We are trying to engage young people,'' he explained. "You have to go where young people are."

Bennett has removed the posters for now, and says he has asked that no free alcohol be served.

He probably would have been handing out Coor's Light, so no big loss.-Brain

Devil's Pale Ale 666

2009-04-27T08:00:00.004-04:00

"THE DEVIL MADE ME BREW IT!" proclaims the tagline on the back of this novelty brew from Toronto's Great Lakes Brewery. This beer is apparently brewed with 666 kilograms of malt, 6.66 kilograms of hops, is boiled for 66.6 minutes and has a 6% abv. I recall trying this brew at Toronto's Festival of Beer after having been drawn to its Satanic imagery like a moth to a flame. Unfortunately, having already tried several dozen other beers I cannot recall what it tasted like. After spying the prominent 666 on the label at the local LCBO, I decided to pick one up for a formal review.

Both Burke and Erik had strong reservations about drinking this one. I popped the can and immediately noticed that describing the can's contents as pale would somewhat misleading, if not an outright lie. The brew is reminiscent of very dark porter with a thick head. Erik at this point wasn't sure if he wanted to drink it, but Burke (easily influenced by the evil in the can) declared we were all going to drink it. Burke and I raised our glasses and took a long pull. My palate was immediately assaulted by the strong, malty flavour which led to a pronounced bitterness in the finish. Burke stated that while he wouldn't think he would drink more than one or two of them, the flavour really wasn't worthy of the number of the beast. In fact, we further decided that the beer deserved to have been attributed to Purgatory rather than Old Scratch himself. Erik stated that it "tasted like crap" but that he had worse. Apparently, this one is more a novelty or something that might be popular with goths and metalheads rather than something that will find its way back into my fridge.

Stuart's Natural Session Ale

2009-04-25T16:25:00.005-04:00

This one comes from our good friends at the Scotch-Irish Brewing Company in Lanark Ontario, brewers of such fine products as John By Imperial Stout and the horrific Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale. This particular brew is described as a flavourful light, refreshing ale brewed in the style of ordinary bitter. The label also has a rendition of Stuart, the Scottie dog this beer is named after. It is a mild amber colour with a decent head and no discernible odour.

Erik, Burke and I poured out three glasses and passed them around. While hesitant after my prior experience with the Corporal, I thought Scotch-Irish Brewing deserved another chance after finding John By to be a drinkable stout. Burke drank first and noted that although bitter, it was a smooth bitter that went down good. Erik also stated it was good and both agreed they could drink six of them with pleasure. I found the beer to be very similar to many English ales I have tried, with slightly more bitterness than most and was much more easy-drinking than even the John By Imperial Stout. After this experience, I look forward to sampling other products from Scotch-Irish Brewing.

In other news, I'd like to announce Liquor Pig's upcoming road trip to Michigan to hopefully find the absolute worst beer the Motor State has to offer. LIQUOR PIG NEEDS YOUR HELP!!! Please send us suggestions for both horrible liquor and local oddities we can poison our livers with while south of the border. We look forward to hearing from you!

Hello Kitty Beer

2009-04-24T12:09:00.005-04:00

This isn't a review, although if anybody would like to send us some to try, we would willingly accept it with open arms. That's a given with anything though, barring shoe polish, Aquavelva and Labbat's Blue.

Here at Liquor Pig, we are of two minds about Beck's, I am fond of it due to the fact that I cut my teeth on stealing Beck's from my father during my teen years. I find as grown man, I crave what I used to choke down.

While our humble blog's creator did not grow up with Beck's and likens it's taste to the urine that's filling the troughs of any Oktoberfest celebration. To each his own but he's totally wrong about Beck's.

We are in agreement however, that neither of us would be caught dead drinking fricking Hello Kitty Beer at any place but the privacy of our own basements.

I wonder if Beck's plans a macho male equiviliant to this, like one that uses Ultra-Man or that cool guy from Star Blazers. You know, the guy with the G-Force hair...

-BraiN

Link Stolen from Topless Robot

Liberty Ale

2009-04-21T20:52:00.004-04:00

This peculiarity was suggested by a co-worker who apparently disagrees with most of the ale reviewed on this site. Seriously, this guy actually LIKES Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale, so obviously any suggestions from him are automatic candidates for review! After listening to him rant about how great this beer is, I tracked down a bottle at a Scarborough LCBO and headed over to my cousin's for a tasting.

Anchor Brewing Company's Liberty Ale is made in San Fransisco, California and has an abv of 5.9%. Apparently, this brew was first made on 18 April 1975 to commemorate the 200th anniversary of Paul Revere's historic ride. Noted as being "almost completely handmade", it is created from the "finest barley malt, fresh whole hops, top-fermenting yeast [and] pure water" using "simple natural methods." Furthermore, Liberty Ale is "dry-hopped" and "completes its fermentation in seald vats" which apparently creates Liberty Ale's "distinctive boquet" and "delicate fermentation." The lable portrays the Liberty Eagle and an anchor (perhaps a homage to San Fransico's famous waterfront.

We popped it open and poured out a couple glasses. It was a mid-dark colour, respective of other ales of this nature and was quite effervescent. However, one taste of this one proved it to be another over-hopped disaster. Upon tasting, Amanda exclaimed "ew!" and stated that it tasted like "old lady's perfume." Apparently, the "distinctive boquet" of the "dry-hopping" is an acquired taste. I tipped my glass back and found the musty, overhopped flavour to be quite unpleasant and overpowering, but I managed to finish my glass. Rob however, initially exclaimed "oh man, this is bad!" and petitioned to sink it. After a bit of prodding (along with insults about his manhood from both me and Amanda), he finished the sample with a solemn "shit's gross, man." We universally agreed this one ranks in the KEIF! file and should never be purchased again... unless you want to keep a bottle handy to make unwelcome guests suffer through their overstayed welcome.

Drunk in New York City

2009-04-11T13:54:00.009-04:00

My apologies for the lack of updates. There have been several reasons for this. First of all, the local LCBO's well of strange brew has kind of run dry, leaving me to have to expand my search for potential review candidates. Remember, we are always open for suggestions! If any Ontario readers come across a good candidate for this blog, email me with the deatails and I will attempt to obtain it for review. As for today's entry, I just returned from a week in New York City, where I discovered an absolute must for any fan of bars, beer or this blog: A New York institution in Manhattan's East Village known as McSorley's Old Ale House.

"Be good or be gone" is the motto at the oldest bar in New York; a throwback to days when your local served beer brewed on premesis and women were barred from entering. In fact, it was only in 1970 when civil rights attorneys Faith Seidenberg and Karen DeCrow won a Supreme Court case against McSorley's to be allowed entry. The oldest continually operating saloon in New York has served everyone from Abe Lincoln to John Lennon in it's 150 years of history.

Stepping inside McSorley's is like taking a trip back in time. From the sawdust strewn floors to the burning coal scuttle, this bar is literally soaked in history. The ancient tables are worn down from years of use and the walls are covered in pictures, historical documents and other memorabilia marking milestones in it's history. It truly is a sight to behold. Once you have taken in the history of the place, step up to the bar and order some ale. Just don't expect to find Budweiser or fancy European imports. McSorleys serves only two kinds of ale: McSorley's Light and McSorley's Dark, and will cost you $4.50 for two mugs of either.

Now, it could be said that a storied watering hole like this could make a good living off fleecing tourists by selling overpriced beer while riding the coattails of its reputation. Fortunately, this is not the case at McSorley's. The ale is not only cheap, it is quite good as well. Having tried both during the two nights I spent there (yes, I liked it that much!), I can say that I personally preferred the dark. However, that is only from a personal standpoint as both were definately drinkable. Keep in mind that McSorley's can get very busy, especially on a weekend. This may result in you being "relocated" to another table to accomodate the ever-growing crowd of patrons. This is nothing to be worried about however. Everyone I met follows the McSorley's motto and tend to be very welcoming. I ended up sitting with many different people during my time there, including a couple fellow Canadians from Montreal! So if you ever find yourself in New York, head over to McSorley's for a couple mugs of ale. You'll be glad you did!

Brussels White

2009-03-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

While picking up the Chimay Triple, I spotted this other Belgian beer. Now, as you all know I love to pick on the Belgians and the legions of pretentious fools who seem to think the best beers in the world come from it, I picked it up fully expecting another train wreck. As I took it out of the fridge, I looked at the bottle a little more closely:

Brussels White. Ingredients: water, malt, wheat, hops, yeast, coriander seed, orange peel.

What the hell is with the Belgian tradition of putting coriander seed in beer??? I have honestly never heard of this practice until reviewing Belgian beers, and quite frankly just don't get it. Coriander was the biggest turn off for Chimay Red and an involuntary shiver ran up my spine as I saw it was also contained in this brew. As for the orange peel, I won't even go into the stories I have heard about prison hooch and what they put in it, but I will say that orange peel was always mentioned as a primary ingredient. I suppose this was to give some logic to this product being called 'flavoured beer' as stated on the label. The bottle also had a second sticker on it proclaiming an abv of 5.5%, likely to coincide with LCBO guidelines for packaging.

I poured the cloudy brew into a glass an thankfully noticed a lack of sea monkeys within. There was no discernable scent off this brew to indicate the coriander or orange peel used in its manufacture. I tipped it back expecting the worst, but surprisingly it was actually rather mild with a creamy mouthfeel. There was no over-the-top coriander or citrus overtones, and it had a nice clean finish. While I can't say it would be a staple in my beer fridge, I could see myself enjoying a few of these on the patio this summer. All in all, the Belgians seemed to have got it right for a change. Worth a try.

Chimay Triple

2009-03-19T12:00:00.000-04:00

As readers of this blog know, Belgian beer is not one of my preferred favourites. In fact, I have yet to find that mythical Belgian beer that lives up to the hype the Belgians get for brewing it. Upon spotting this one at the monstrous Queens Quay LCBO in Toronto, I thought I would give Chimay another chance. After all, even Scotch-Irish Breweries were able to somewhat redeem themselves from the horrific Coporal's Bitter Brown with John By Imperial Stout. Alas, this was not the case this time.

I had chilled the bottle overnight and poured it into a clean glass for the tasting. The smell of this stuff was very slight, with no discernable alcohol smell to allude to its potent 8% abv. The colour was a sick looking cloudy orange-brown. While not that apealling to many novices, the colour really was not much different than many of the German weissens I have drank and enjoyed. I tipped the glass back, let the beer glide over my tongue and almost gagged on the bitter flavour. The mouthfeel was creamy despite the bitterness, and let to some citrusy undertones in the finish. To be honest, the bitterness was so harsh that it was a decision to try it again. Subsequent tastes seemed to mellow the bitterness, but I believe it was more due to my tastebuds numbing than anything else, as the citrus finish became less and less pronounced as I finished the brew. Overall, I can't see the appeal of beers like this at all. Onesided, simple and strongly bitter with very little upside. Give me a Guinness, weissen or eastern European pilsner anyday over this crap.

Samichlaus Classic

2009-03-12T23:40:00.006-04:00

I can honestly say this one is the worst beer I have ever drank. Picked up on an impulse at a Mississauga LCBO, I brought it back to my sister's for an evaluation. Further inspection after chilling the contents found a devastating abv of 14%, and the following on the label:

Samichlaus Bier - Santa Claus Beer. Brewed only once a year on December 6, Samichclaus is aged 10 months before bottling. The beer is perhaps the rarest in the world. Samichclaus may be aged for many years to come. Older vintages become more complex with a creamy warming finish. Serve with hardy robust dishes and desserts, particularly with chocolates or served as an after-dinner drink by itself.

After chilling the brew, we poured it into two glasses. My sister remarked it "looked like Rickard's" and thought it smelled like "normal beer". I also felt it didn't look or smell too bad. However, as we both tasted this one we knew we had made a very bad mistake.

Susie raised the glass and as the dark liquid touched her lips, a look of complete disgust came over her face as she exclaimed "this is the worst beer I have ever tasted!" The flavour was like what caramel-flavoured Dimetapp would taste like, if anyone was nutty enough to concoct such a thing. The flavour sat on the tongue, moved down the palate and the "warming finish" burned all the way to the gullet.

I must admit after tasting this one, a dim memory surfaced of a drunken New Year's Eve from my misspent youth. An old drinking buddy (affectionately known as The Fat Bastard) and I were in the local LCBO when one of their union monkeys saw us eying the imported beers. He pointed to one and suggested we try it. "It's awesome," he said. "The stuff is pretty uncommon. You'll like it. It gets you smashed." We purchased three bottles of it and went to the New Year's party.

Once there, we cracked the beers and with a hearty "Slainte!" we drank deep. However, we both looked at each other with a complete look of disgust on our faces. Keep in mind this was the days when I willingly drank Carling and Seagrams 5 Star (out of necessity more than choice), and was somewhat immune to bad taste. However, this beer slayed us. We agreed this beer was not fit for human consumption, and spent the rest of the night daring unknowing party guests into trying it. As the Samichlaus hit my tastebuds, I remembered it was the same beer we drank at that ill-fated party years ago, and my improved palate hasn't made the experience any more pleasurable. Avoid this one at all costs.

Jenlain Bière de Printemps

2009-03-05T12:00:00.003-05:00

I grabbed this one while in the LCBO with my cousin and his girlfriend. I was looking to fill an LCBO "Mix 8" and because of Amanda's urging to hurry up, I took it off the shelf and put it in my carton. Once back at my cousin's I had a closer look at my purchase and realized (based solely on the "flowery" label) that this beer would classified by my friends as being in the same category as Pride (a pro-gay beer that was marketed in Ontario for a short time in the 1990's - and no I have never tasted it). In fact, I might have sinked it right then and there if not for the cool devil motif on the neck (the label did have one redeeming quality that can't go unmentioned). Further inspection showed this to be a product of France with an abv of 5.4%. This product also contained the "sea monkeys" that were present in Cooper's Sparkling Ale. Unable to decipher the rest of the French on the label, I did further reasearch on the internet:

In 1991, the brewery decided to revive an old custom harking back to the 14th century when there were no means of refrigeration. Beer was then traditionally brewed in early December and stored over the winter under naturally cool conditions. The first barrels were only opened in March, as the days started to become warmer. It has a fresh, springlike bouquet with dominant tones of malt and grains. It is made using a top fermentation yeast, malted barley and newly harvested Alsation hops. With 5.4% alcohol by volume, it is a pure malt beer that is highly refreshing. It has a fine white head and clear golden colour, a dominant hoppy taste with a hint of fruitiness. Best served between 5 and 6°C.

I wouldn't describe what poured into the glass as "clear". It was more like a murky-orange with distinct "sea monkeys" when held up to the light. It had no scent at all, and very little flavour. Perhaps the lack of flavour was due to it being slightly colder than the recommended 5-6 degrees, but I could see it being refreshing on a hot summer day. In fact, it was so watery tasting that people that hate beer would probably drink this one (if they weren't initially turned off by the murky colour). As Amanda put it, the taste was "smooth and inoffensive - like cross-country skiing." Fans of such watery fare like Coors Light would probably enjoy it, but I can't see myself ever buying it again. Still, it was probably the best beer I have ever tasted from France (which in all honesty isn't saying a whole helluva lot).

Riggwelter Black Sheep

2009-03-03T12:21:00.002-05:00

When we first looked at this bottle with a black sheep on its back prominently displayed on the label, my cousin exclaimed, "Look! A Scottish roofie!". As it turns out, this was the most exciting part of this particular ale. Riggwelter Black Sheep is labeled as a 'strong Yorkshire ale' with a 5.7% abv. When poured, the thick, black malt promises a full flavoured beverage. However like most English ale it is rather bland and unremarkable - much like English weather. The back of bottle explains the name Riggwelter:

From Old Norse: rygg - back and velte - to overturn. When a sheep is on its back and cannot get up without help, local dialect says it is rigged or riggewelted.

Not a great example of a strong, dark ale but it is definately brewed in the English tradition. Perhaps with the 5.7 abv and rather mild flavour profile, English lads feed this stuff to their girlfriends in the hopes that they may become hopelessly riggewelted themselves!

John By Imperial Stout

2009-03-01T14:36:00.005-05:00

While browsing the LCBO yesterday, I came across another product from the Scotch Irish Brewing Company. Those of you who regularly follow this blog will recognize them as the not-do-fine folks that brought us the worst beverage ever reviewed on this site: the horrendous Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale. A quick look at the label found John By described as:

Beginning in November we make only 5 batches of our Imperial Stout. It is brewed in the tradition of the stouts produced in the British Isles during the 18th and 19th centuries that were shipped to Imperial Russia. John By is so deep brown in colour it appears to be black. The powerful malt flavour is balanced by its alcohol content. Just the thing to ward off the cold of a Canadian winter.

Further reading found this stout also has a devastating 6.7% abv. Immediately sold, I purchased the bottle expecting an excellent example of brewing ineptitude and a possible rival for the crown of Worst Beverage Reviewed on this site.

With Michelle out of town, Brian was homebound and asked me to come over for a few ales. Upon arriving, I showed him my latest purchase, to which he gave a hearty "no!" Apparently, he could still taste the last sampling we had from this particular brewery. We put the John By in the freezer to chill while we drank a few Alexander Keith's IPA. Once the John By had chilled to an acceptable temperature, Brian cracked it and poured a sample in his glass. I heard him sigh in dismay as he poured the thick, black liquid into his glass. I had a hard time understanding how they arrived at the colour brown, as John By Imperial Stout is blacker than Guinness. The brew gave no discernable scent and resembled a glass of black industrial sludge. Throwing our reservations aside (and likely just wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible) we drank the thick, dark brew.

Surprisingly, John By Imperial Stout is not that bad at all. It has a thick, malty profile associated with all stouts, but it wasn't any worse tasting. The 6.7% abv was a little harsh, but as the label promised, it was balanced by the strong malt flavour. It finished well with slightly nutty aftertaste. Brian was actually disappointed that this wasn't another brewing disaster, and stated that despite not being a fan of many stouts, this one wasn't really that bad. I personally would have drank another one had it been available to see if the taste would grow on me after another glass. This one is heartily recommended to any fan of strong porter or stout beer.

Saku Originaal

2009-02-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

When my cousin tasted this one, it must have been akin to when Nikki Sixx discovered heroin. His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and all he could say is "this shit is great! Get Sakued!" Definately two thumbs up.

Aecht Schlenferla Rauchbier

2009-02-24T11:52:00.003-05:00

Being a sucker for pretty packaging (as well as being unable to read German), I picked this one up at random from the LCBO last night. Perhaps there is something to be said about purchasing foreign beers without any idea of what they may contain, as this one was one of the weirdest concoctions yet reviewed. Upon arriving at my cousin's house, further study of the product found this on the label:

Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer. Following time-honoured malting and brewing traditions, the strong smoky flavour of Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer is achieved by exposing the malt to the intense, aromatic smoke of burning beechwood logs at the Schlenkerla malthouse. After the brew in classic copper kettles, it matures in the historic cellars deep underneath Bamberg to become a unique smoky beer experience.

Being a lover of fine single-malt Scotch whiskey, I am quite familiar with the practice of smoking barley with peat prior to brewing and distilling good Scotch, but why would anyone try this with beer? Would it prove to be a unique, tasty beverage, or another nightmare to be sinked? Nervously, I uncapped it and poured it into two glasses. The dark ale was clear and smelled like beef jerky, which gave rise to Rob's cry of "ach, das schtinkant!" Pushing through the smoky aroma, we raised our glasses and drank. This stuff literally tasted like beef jerky soaked in Guinness, with a very long smoky finish. Aside from the novelty of being smoky and "beefy", the taste was extremely one-dimensional, and was reminscent of a smoky OXO cube dissolved in water. The hardest part about drinking this was the smell. While smoky Islay Scotch has a pleasant smoky scent, this stuff reeks like the shell of a burned-out Flint, Michigan housing project. If you can get past the strong smell, it is an interesting novelty but not one I would like to experience again soon. Fans of beef jerky might actually enjoy this, but in my experience this is more suited to daring your friends to chug at drunken frat parties.

The Pinch Scotch Whiskey

2009-02-12T23:19:00.003-05:00

This one is an anomaly on so many different levels. We found it in my cousin's beer fridge mixed in with a pile of other minis of various liquors. The pinch comes in a diamond shaped bottle which was initially what drew our attention to it. The label indicates it is distilled in Scotland by Haig and Haig and is 12 years old. Having never heard of this particular scotch, we were rather curious as to what it tasted like. Additionally, we could not figure out why this bottle was down a quarter, yet the seal had not been cracked. Would it be a wonderous flavour experience? Or would it be another depressing glass of horrible liquor? Time would tell, and rather quickly.

Chanelle, Robert and I poured what remained in the bottle into three shot glasses. In all, we all sampled what amounted to about a half shot each. As we raised the glasses, the smell was initially what caught us off guard. Chanelle remarked it burned her nostrils and "just smelled so bad!" Robert and I concurred that this stuff simply smelled wrong. We prepared a chaser and tipped back our glasses. As this golden liquid flowed over my palate, I thought this must be what tasting white phosphorous must be like. It burned as you tasted it, burned more as you swallowed it and then set fire to your stomach as it finally sat in your gullet. Robert seriously resisted the urge to spit it over the apartment floor. "This tastes like it smells, and it smells like shit." I personally was amazed how half a shot glass could literally seem like gallons. This truly is Scotland's version of Corporal Punishment. Harsh, nasty and unrelenting. A word of caution: 15 minutes afterwards I belched and could still taste The Pinch. The verdict? In a pinch, choose to drink something else.

Okocim Mocne

2009-02-07T12:38:00.002-05:00

Fixing computers is thirsty work. So when Brian asked me to stop by and do some work on his, it was a given that I would be stopping off at the LCBO on my way over. As it turns out, this bottle represents the purest essance of Liquor Pig. I had never heard of nor seen this beer before, and I found its name rather intriguing. So out of complete curiosity I grabbed it and took it to Brian's to find out what it tasted like. As it turns out, Okocim is produced in Brzesko, Poland at one of the countries oldest breweries. Established in 1845 by Johann Evangelist Götz, the Okocim was nationalized in 1945 and once again privitized in the 1990s. Since 1996, it has been part of Carlsberg Breweries A/S. They currently make OK, Signature, Mocne, Porter, Karmi, Palone, and Zagłoba. Mochne is the medium malt beer they produce.

We were curious what this one was going to be like. In my experience, most eastern European beers are the most similar to Canadian beers in taste profile, and as such expected this one to be at the very least palatable. Brian, who is actually a big fan of Polish beer, also expected a decent glass of ale. Michelle, on the other hand, was the voice of dissent and expected this to be another vile concotion I brought over just so I could laugh at her trying to force it down. Alas, this was not to be the case. Okocim Mocne pours a golden-amber colour and has a crisp, refreshing flavour with little to no aftertaste. All three of us thoroughly enjoyed it and could easily imagine passing away a warm summer afternoon with a fridge stocked with this stuff. Hard to pronounce but easy to drink, Okocim Mocne will most definately be making another appearance in this man's refrigerator.

Laphroaig Quarter Cask

2009-02-05T02:11:00.013-05:00

Called the most richly flavoured of all Scotch whiskies, Laphroaig is a heavyweight among Scotland's single malts. A strong smokey peat scent rises from the glass, and is enhanced by the addition of just a little water. Typical of many Islay Scotches, the flavour is very strong, briny and smoky with notes of iodine showing through, and the finish of this 48% abv burns and smokes its way across the palate with a finish that is as full-flavoured as its initial bite. Are you wondering why anyone would drink such a concoction? You probably already have. Laphroaig is used as a base for many popular blended Scotch whiskies, as its full flavour is a great base to build a quality blend upon. But what you have probably tasted in passing is but a ghost compared to a full shot of Laphroaig on its own.

Laphroaig Quarter Cask harkens back to a time when whiskey making was unhurried and an altogether slower process. It is first matured in normal barrels, but is then removed and placed in quarter-sized casks that allow for 60% more contact with the oak wood. This creates a product that is sweeter with a velvetly feel that much more traditional in nature than many whiskies produced today. It is bottled at cask strength, so a little water is recommended to fully bring out the Islay flavour. To complete its traditional profile, Laphroaig Double Cask is not chill-filtered like most of its modern counterparts, which means it will cloud up with the addition of water. The result is a whiskey much like that which was produced 100 years ago.

Upon opening the shipping tube that contained my bottle, I was suprised to find a booklet packed with the bottle. Apparently, anyone purchasing a bottle of Laphroaig is given a unique code, with which they may log onto Laphroaig's website and lay claim to a square foot of land on the Laphroaig distillery grounds on the Isle of Islay. Unfortunately, you cannot buy up cases of Laphroaig and use the resulting land to farm sheep, cut peat or build a house upon. However, by laying claim to your square foot of Islay, you may claim your "rent" by placing your national flag on your plot, and receiving a free dram of Laphroaig should you ever visit the distillery grounds. An excellent marketing scheme if I have ever heard of one! Once you registed your unique code, you are determined to be a "Friend of Laphroaig" and given access to a personal webspace on their site, which provides access to their forum as well as a digital map showing the location of your plot.

In addition to the website feed, you are also given the opportunity to purchase various Laphroaig products and take part in their forums where you can meet fellow Friends of Laphroaig around the world. Not a bad deal at all for buying a bottle of a very good single malt whiskey. I strongly recommend all lovers of Scotch to at least give this one a try. It is excellent neat or with just a bit of water, and accompanied by a fine cigar. Life doesn't get much better than this!

Seagram's Seven Crown

2009-01-30T00:23:00.005-05:00

I love whiskey. That being said, I usually only have one criteria to judge any whiskey that I drink. That is, if you have to mix it with soda to make it taste good, it really isn't worth drinking to begin with. All of the whiskies I enjoy fit this criteria: Wiser's Deluxe, Crown Royal, Talisker, Aberlour, The Glenlivet.... The list goes on. However, Seagram's Seven Crown is not quite in the same league as these other excellent spirits, and I have pulled this bottle out from my collection and poured myself a glass so I can tell you exactly why.

This is not my run-in with Seven Crown. My father, who did a stint in the U.S. Army in the early 60's, told me many times that "7 and 7" (a mixture of Seven Crown and 7 Up) was a popular drink on base when he was in the service. Years later, I spotted this bottle in ABC Liquors in Melbourne, Florida and decided to see what one of the drinks my father liked in his youth might taste like. I brought the bottle home, poured a hefty shot and grabbed a can of Bud for a chaser. I remember kicking back the shot and having a taste so horrible assault my senses that it literally took me 5 minutes to swallow it. I promptly packed it in my suitcase, brought it back to Canada and offered my father a drink when I arrived home. Fortunately for him, common sense overrode any lingering sense of nostalgia and he refused the offer. As such, I have had the bottle ever since.

Tonight, I poured the shot into a glass and grabbed a bottle of water as a chaser (this is actually going to be Liquor Pig's first "live" tasting!). I am actually curious as to whether age may have mellowed this stuff, or if it still tastes something akin to what is used to kill rats en masse. I figure I will try it straight and if I can handle it, mix it with water much like I do my Scotch. The smell off the hooch is a mild grain alcohol... Not too hard on the senses. The taste is inoffensive and not bad for a blended whiskey at all. However, the afterburn of swallowing this crap is what killed me last time and it is working its voodoo again tonight. I can honestly say that I can imagine drinking Drain-O would have a similar effect. The burn starts slow, intensifies and lingers around far too long. The aftertaste of Seven Crown is also quite vile, and not at all like what was initially promised... Kinda like picking up that "cute" girl at last call and waking up the next day to find out she looks just like a Sasquatch/grizzly bear love-child (something any seasoned drunkard cannot honestly say they haven't done, but something not one of us is proud of doing).

The addition of cold water mellows the flavour a lot, and minimizes the whiskey burn. Still, basing my assessment on the initial full-flavoured mouthful, I can't say this is something I would ever want to get drunk on. Something about that hellish burn screams "5 Star Hangover" loud enough that I think I'll leave this one to the soldiers. Hell, even they had the smarts to at least mix it with 7 Up. Now I'm off to find some Aberlour to wash this taste out of my mouth.

Harviestoun Old Engine Oil

2009-01-28T11:24:00.004-05:00

Every once in a while, you get a surprise when on the hunt for bizarre liquor to try. I found this gem at the LCBO and immediately thought it would be another horrific nightmare for my tastebuds. First of all, it is brewed in Scotland where they deep-fry or pour a pound of sugar into everything they consume. Along with that, the words "Viscous - Chocolatey - Bitter" stood out like an al Queda operative in Sudbury. While I have seen chocolate and bitter used to describe several decent beers I have tried, I can't say I have ever seen the word viscous used in an alocohol marketing campaign. Undaunted, I paid for it and took it over to Brian's to see what he and Michelle thought of it.

Brian had as many reservations as me when he put the bottle in the fridge, and made a comment to Michelle about possibly dying as a result of drinking its contents. We let the bottle chill, then set out some glasses for the tasting. I cracked open the bottle and started pouring it into the glasses. I kid you not, this stuff looks exactly like what it is called. I have changed the oil in enough crankcases in my time to know when oil is past it's prime, and this beer looked exactly like it had been sitting in the engine of an old Gremlin since '78. Neither Brian nor Michelle looked impressed by this, and as I passed out the samples their expressions probably resembled those of the People's Temple members before drinking the poisonous kool-aid in Jonestown. Glancing at each other with a silent 'salut', we raised our glasses half-expecting this to be the most vile liquor reviewed yet. However, we were all pleasantly surprised to find this to be very inoffensive and actually a decent dark ale. It was viscous and somewhat chocolatety, but not too bitter at all. Fans of porter and stout should definately give this one a try. It was definately a decent dark beer for a cold winter's night.... even if it does look exactly like crankcase oil out of an old engine.

La Fin Du Monde

2009-01-24T10:39:00.008-05:00

First, I apologize for the lack of updates. I have been doing a ton of overtime at work that has interfered somewhat with my free time, and by extension has inhibited my ability to evaluate these fine and not-so-fine products. Of course, if someone would like to pay me, I would be more than happy to dedicate myself (and my liver) to this blog full-time! Now, on to the subject of today's entry.

Beer should not come in wine bottles. When it does, it is almost a guarantee that you are not going to enjoy it much. This assessment started to form back in my youth when we all went to Toronto to get tattoos. After getting tats, we all went on a drunken pub crawl that finished at some pub in the basement of Toronto's iconic Flatiron building. I ordered some kind of French beer who's name escapes me, and in my drunken stupor thought they had given me a bottle of cheap wine instead. It came in a wine bottle and tasted like a really winey-tasting malt liquor. Since that day, I have never trusted beer in a wine bottle. Looking back on my reviews of Chimay and Mort Subite Framboise there seems to be a very good reason for this, and I am happy to report that La Fin Du Monde continues that tradition beautifully.

When I arrived at Brian and Michelle's, they were wary of the LCBO bag. I handed it to Brian and he remarked something along the lines of "oh no, not another wine bottle". Apparently, he shares my lack of enthusiasm for beer in champagne-type packaging. We decided to put the bottle in the freezer and get it ice-cold for the tasting. La Fin Du Monde (literally "the end of the world"), is a strong beer made by Unibroue Breweries (or as I call them, Unibrow Breweries) in Quebec, Canada and has a 9% abv. Of course, being from Quebec this beer spawned a lot of new questions (or perhaps fears would be a better word). Judging by my previous run-ins with French and Belgian beers, would the tradition of horrible brewing carry over the pond to the Province of Quebec? What bottled nightmare awaited us in the freezer? We would soon find out!

After the beer had chilled down, we set out some glasses and sat down to try it. Much like its Belgian cousins, La Fin Du Monde came complete with the champagne cork/wire contraption that had to be removed to open the bottle. Honestly, why not use a simple bottle cap like the rest of the world? I untwisted the wire and pushed out the cork. Unlike Chimay, the cork did not shoot across the room like a paintball, but this may have been due to the temperature of the beer and not the pressure it was under. We poured out three samples and were somewhat taken aback by the cloudy-looking yellow-brown brew. I raised the glass and got an involuntary shiver as the pungent scent of this "beer" came into contact with my nasal passages. We all looked at each other nervously and drank. I can't even begin to quantify the flavour that hit my palate. In a way it was akin to Chimay, but with a vile spiciness running through the flavour profile that attcked your tastebuds like the Blitzkrieg over London. Michelle was the first to comment that "this is the worst one you have brought over yet!" In fact, she went further to state that this was even worse than the god-awful Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale (an assessment that I myself am not in agreement with - in my opinion the Corporal isn't fit for neither human nor animal consumption). Brian had to be talked into taking another drink from his glass, and immediately stated that this was absolutely hideous and tasted like "bio-sack juice from the bottom of the green bin". At least it lived up to its name... As we poured this one into the toilet, we all agreed the horrid taste would definately last until the end of the world.

Coopers Sparkling Ale

2009-01-11T05:15:00.005-05:00

A few years back, I was up at the cottage with my cousin and saw a bottle of Australian rum at the LCBO. Having never heard of Aussie rum, we bought it and took it home to drink. Now, I have no idea what they used to make it, but it did not taste like any rum I had ever drank before, and we had a hard time finishing it. The ironic part to this story is that the rum was made by the same people who brewed the subject of today's review.

When I first spotted Coopers Sparkling Ale at the LCBO, I was intrigued. The label was very similar to the abortion my cousin and I consumed a few years ago, but this one had other tell-tale signs of a train wreck in a bottle. The top of the bottle was sealed with what looked like cellophane tape over the cap. This was not just present on the bottle I purchased, but on every bottle of Coopers on the shelf. I picked one up for a closer inspection, and this is where it became obvious this needed a proper review.

When held up to the light, the bottle had what appeared to be Sea Monkeys suspended in it. At this point I was pretty sure any more pondering on the subject would lead to second thoughts, so I quickly paid for it and took it over to Brian's for an evaluation.

We cracked it open and Brian took a smell of the aroma coming off it. He seemed disappointd that the beer inside did not smell rancid. I can only assume that he figured the Sea Monkey effect was due to it sitting in a warehouse for many years, perhaps next to a nuclear power plant. Undaunted, he poured out two samples. The beer was a very murky brown colour, not at all "sparkling" as the label promised. Finally throwing all caution to the wind, we toasted Liquor Pig and drank. While not possessing a thoroughly unpleasant flavour (despite the granular texture of the Sea Monkeys), it became apparent that Coopers Sparkling Ale is simply homebrew in a fancy bottle. I have tasted many homebrews that were identical to this one. Not undrinkable, yet not really pleasant at the same time with a yeasty, malty flavour and a far from crisp finish. My advice if you are tempted to try this one is to buy a John Bull Homebrew Kit and make a vat of this crap for a fraction of the cost.

1984 Drunken Father Ad

2009-01-08T08:00:00.003-05:00

This was an ad that ran on Canadian television in the early 80's as part of a social awareness campaign to curb people's drinking habits. The father (who is obviously shmangled) cannot fix his son's General Lee car, and sends him to his room out of frustration. Many of my friends recall this ad and talked about it for years. Some thought it was a horrible scenario and felt bad for this kid. However, my sister and I thought this was uproariously funny and laughed every time it came on (which disturbed my mother to no end). What can I say? We were warped children.

Many thanks to Brian who found this nostalgic piece of my childhood on YouTube!

Faxe Extra Strong Beer

2009-01-07T08:00:00.007-05:00

Ahhh Denmark... A northern land famous for blondes, beer and marauding Viking hordes. Faxe Extra Stong is an exceptionally strong example of Scandanavian lager, and at a full-flavoured 10% abv puts most North American beers to shame. Surprisingly there is not discernable alcohol scent from it, and it has the general palate of traditional lager. However, it is reminiscent of Molson XXX in that it does have the kick to be expected from a beer this strong. One can almost imagine Viking hordes downing this stuff before setting out to raid coastal villages, or drunken Shwainites running amok down Simcoe Street after a Trooper concert at the GM Center. Not an offensive brew by any means, but it does pack a punch. Don't fool youself... One too many of these and you just might find yourself reaching for the battle axe and singing hymns to the forgotton heroes of Valhalla!

Update:

On New Year's Eve, I went to Brian's for the evening's festivities. Although it was promised that we would review a 20 year old bottle of Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, Brian honestly felt that it would probably kill us. Instead, we drank the aforementioned Newfie Duck at midnight. It was sickly sweet and honestly had no redeeming qualities aside from it's name. I likely could not even stomached it if not for a belly full of Schneider Wiess. Caveat emptor.

The Red Binder™

2009-01-06T08:00:00.007-05:00

A while ago, there was an email passed around the office featuring the ultimate stress-relief for the workplace: The Red Binder™. The Red Binder™ could be inconspicuously left on any office shelf, ready to be called upon in moments of undue stress (such as the announcement of company-wide layoffs) or moments of ultimate celebration (like the anouncement that smarmy jerk who works two cubicles over from you was canned for accidentally sending filthy midget porn to the boss). As you can see from the photo above, the Red Binder™ holds enough alcohol and glasses for a small office party. Obviously, this is something we could all use on the job.

Shortly after the Red Binder™ email was circulated, Brian found these products in an old 70's catalogue. It seems that the Red Binder™ is actually a variation of something that travelling executives and swingers like Plaid Stallions spokesmodel Brick Mantooth keep in trunks of their cars in the event that big deal (or big party) needs to be immediately celebrated with copious amounts of liquor.

These travelling bars are also the perfect solution for those of you that made ridiculous New Year's resolutions to curb your drinking while getting yelled at by your wife/girlfriend for getting pissed up on Grey Goose and making a complete ass of yourself. The "Perfect Travelling Companion For The Man On The Go" can be easily hidden with the family luggage, and called upon when you realize that promise to quit boozing was a little more difficult than you envisioned. The combination lock on some of these models is also a perfect way to keep your snooping kids or drunken in-laws from draining your stash while you are at work, shopping with the wife or any other activity that would make you thirst for a nice belt the moment you arrive home.

All in all, these are great throwbacks to a time when everyone took a fully stocked bar with them on the road, to the beach or to that barbeque at the swingers' place down the road. They are a lot nicer than the plain-jane Red Binder™ we are left with in modern times, and are much better choice for the travelling alcoholic.

John Bull Ale

2009-01-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

After crucifying the Belgians so badly for their lack of brewing expertise, I think it is time to focus on yet another country of mediocre ale. On the heels of yesterday's Tetley's review, we have another English beer: John Bull Ale. This ale has been brewed in the "heart of England" and is flavoured with "challenger" and "East Kent goldings" hops. The label states that crushed crystal malt is also used to give it its traditional London-style flavour.

I had my reservations about this one for several reasons. First of all, English ale tends to be bland (much like their food) and exciting as a rainy day in the English countryside. Additionally, John Bull was also ne of the main companies that put out those "home brewing in a can" kits that always resulted in overly malty, undrinkable results. Lastly, when I popped the can open, there was absolutely no fizz or internal pressure escaping the can. This proved to be classic foreshadowing, as I poured the overly dark beer into my glass, very little head formed. The taste was much like Tetley's, flat, bland and unremarkable. However, it was still miles above the John Bull "homebrew in a can" kits, and much like Tetley's English Ale, you could drink this all day if you had to. However, when there are so many better choices out there, why choose this?

Tetley's English Ale

2009-01-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

What is it with English ale? Granted they have a few good ones like Fuller's London Pride and Bass Pale Ale, but they seem to have far more mediocre beers than good ones. Tetley's English Ale would definately fall in the 'mediocre' category. It pours using the "smoothflow" system (similar to Pub Draught Guinness) that creates a smooth creamy head like that you get from draught ale. The dark colour seems to hint at a full flavour, but the taste is simply flat and unremarkable. As Brian stated, it is "bland and grey-tasting, almost like English weather. You could drink this all day if you had to while the rain pours down on the English countryside." However the question remains: why in the hell would you want to?

Sir Perry

2009-01-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

When I was in Ireland last spring, I saw a lot of these kinds of drinks for sale in the off-license. While apple cider seemed to be the most popular, there was quite a bit of pear cider available as well. Ironically, I brought this over to Brians the same day he had bought Rekorderlig to review. Both of these are "perries" or pear-cider beverages. However, while Rekorderlig is something that chicks would likely drink way too much of, this is definately something they would most likely avoid.

Years ago when I made a lot of homebrew, I tried my hand at making hard cider. While I can't say I liked it that much, it did not stop Mad Dog Johnny and I from drinking the entire cask in one night. Johnny went home and crashed. In the morning, he woke up and came downstairs into his kitchen. His mother, who was making coffee, asked if he was wearing some kind on new cologne. When he replied he wasn't, and that maybe it was the vinegar from the hot peppers we ate while we were drinking, she replied "no, this is definately alcohol based." The stench from this cider seeped out of his pores, leaving him smelling like a wino for three days. Ever since, neither of us have had the urge to get loaded on cider.

Sir Perry has the same dry taste as that ill-fated homebrew, and I assume would have the same effect. It is dry and bland. It is not offensive, it is just not very good. Michelle, who loved the Rekorderlig, tasted this one and exclaimed "that's yuck!" and Sir Perry became the second beverage to be sinked that night. I suppose suck drinks have their fans, but I think it is a fair assumption that they are about as rare as those who think the Detroit Lions have a shot at the Superbowl next year. This one was a disappointing glass of depression. Don't feed this to your date unless you want her to go home in a cab - alone.

Rekorderlig Wild Berry

2009-01-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

This is one that intrigued Brian while he was buying beer at the local LCBO. After all, any kind of liquor from a foreign country with an unpronouncible name deserves a proper review, and after the horror of Corporal's Brown Bitter Ale, we needed a change of pace. The description on the can states this product is "Swedish pear cider from Vimmerby. Wild berries flavoured. Serve well Chilled" and has an abv of 7%. From the description and alcohol content, I can only assume the name means "panty remover" in Swedish. After noticing the the blush wine colour and fuity smell, Michelle quickly grabbed a glass, drank and exclaimed "that's good!" (which somewhat confirmed my suspicions about the name of this drink). While it should be noted that even green NyQuil would taste good after the Corporal's Brown Bitter, Brian and I both agreed this is a total chick drink, and would be placed in the same catagory as high-sugar low-alcohol drinks that are popular with women, such as Arbour Mist and Alize. However, Michelle also stated that you could tell a night getting pissed up on this would result in a wicked hangover, and quite likely the embarassment of realizing you are no longer in possession of your panties (guys take note!).

Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale

2009-01-01T12:00:00.005-05:00

As it is New Year's Day and you are all likely recovering from nasty hangovers from the various debaucheries you took part in last night, I decided to start the year off with a beer that simple invokes that same mood of shot nerves and despair. Happy New Year!

Every once in a while, you come across a beer so hideous that you wonder if is actually a warehouse leftover that was brewed 50 years ago. Judging by the old-school stubby bottle, I could almost believe it is the case with this one if it weren't for the website for the black pit that actully produces this stuff. While looking over the site, I saw this ale was alternatively named "Coporal Punishment" which is far more fitting than "Corporal's Bitter".

I cracked this one at Brian and Michelle's, and immediately knew that something was very, very wrong. The smell off this crap alone was enough to wake the dead. I poured a good dose in some glasses and pondered the thick, black, foul-smelling brew. Michelle being the trooper (and equally likely as a show of "girl power") decided to drink first. Her immediate reaction was "just terrible!" Intrigued, I took a big mouthful and could not believe how horrible this crap is. It tastes like burnt malt with a healthy dose of smoke. This is not Islay-Scotch tasting smoke, it is more akin to the smoke that comes off burning plastic. Brian, who realized that we were both in literal agony from the taste, slowly raised his glass and took his fate like a man. He stated (when he could finally speak) that this beer tastes like "oven dripping sandwich - in a beer!" He further went on to describe the time he was deep-frying french fries and out of sheer curiosity, he ate that fry that always seems to escape from the basket and turns black as it slowly burns in the hot oil. This beer reminded him exactly of what that french-fry tasted like. Seriously, check the mug on the "corporal" from the label. Do you not think he looks pissed off at the world? Little wonder why this beer tastes exactly like some kind of hideous revenge plot by a psychotic soldier who spent too many days on a blood-soaked battlefield.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-01-01T00:00:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year!!!

We here at Liquor Pig would like to take this time to wish you all a very safe and drunken 2009!

Also, should you drink too much tonight celebrating the end of 2008 and the coming of 2009, don't forget the advice given by this Soviet poster (tanslation by Oleg Stavrovsky):

"If you are hung over from drinking vodka, have some wine and beer!"

Stella Artois

2008-12-31T09:00:00.002-05:00

Here is one Belgian beer that I find I honestly enjoy. Stella is probably the most famous Belgian beer worldwide and is widely available on draught in bars all over Ontario. The self-described "deluxe beer of Belgium" has been brewed since 1366. Additionally, the label also states that "beer is to Belgium what wine is to France". Apparently, I figured that out fairly quickly on my own. It pours the same colour as typical pilsner, goes down smooth and finishes with little aftertaste. However, my one caveat is the green bottle. I have found that green bottled beers always seem to go 'skunked' faster than beer stored in brown bottles. This particular bottle had that funky Heineken taste to it, which I have never encountered with draught Stella (and wasn't that bad as to turn me off drinking it). My advice to anyone looking to juice this one up would be to buy cans or enjoy it at your local pub. While not a standout by any means, Stella Artois is an approachable beer that most people should enjoy.

My final verdict on Belgian beers hasn't changed much since my initial assessment. Belgium may be a hotspot of ancient brewing tradition, but their beers are not the greatest examples of brewing many make them out to be. I could see myself knocking back a few Hoegaarten on a patio in the summer, or a Stella Artois in the pub if the mood struck me but I don't think I'd reach for either as fast as I would a Schneider Weiss or Guinness. If anyone has any suggestions for other varieties of Belgian beers to review (or even better, a free sample!), feel free to contact me and we'll try to accomodate your requests in 2009. Happy drinking!

Leffe Brune

2008-12-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

The second of the "Big Three" of Belgian brewing, Leffe Brune ('the authentic Belgian abbey beer') has been brewed since 1240. The rear lable states "the roasted barley malts give this Leffe Brune its sweet caramel yet bitter taste." However, judging by the wine glass supplied to drink it from, I suspected this was going to be another Chimay-style disaster.

The beer is very dark and at 6.5% abv, would be classified as a malt liquor if brewed in Canada. I poured it into the glass and drank. This beer is not for lightweights. The brew hit my tongue with an almost sickly sweetness that many dark beers possess, but followed up with an overwhelmingly bitter finish. This beer is actually not at all unlike the black malt homebrew my father and I used to make. I am certain that Goldings hops were used along with a little crystal malt in the initial boil. The taste profile is almost exactly as I remember our homebrew to be like, except that this was a lot less strong. I strongly suspect the heavy malt of this one will likely result in an early morning "Leffe moment" after a frantic run to the bathroom. It is not as bad as some other Belgian beers I have tried, but it definately is not the best. Perhaps Stella Artois will impress where others have failed.

Hoegaarten Whitbier

2008-12-30T08:00:00.001-05:00

My sister being a huge Stella Artois fan apparently decided that I was harsh on Belgian beer, and gave me a Belgian Beer gift pack for Christmas. Inside was a bottle of Stella Artois, Leffe and Hoegaarten complete with their respective glasses and a pimp bottle opener. As I personally love weissenbier, I decided to properly review these Belgian favourites starting with Hoegaarten whitbier (which in my opinion came with the coolest glass of the three). Hoegaarten is described on the label as "a delicious and surprisingly refreshing taste", and has apparently been brewed since 1445.

I washed the glass out and poured the beer according to the directions. It is definately "white" which I chalked up to the lack of filtration the Belgians are famous for. The cloudy yellow-brown liquid did not look that much unlike the colour of my urine following my recent week-long bender in Las Vegas (what do expect from a desert city that sells $1.00 Michelobs???). I shed that disgusting memory and tipped the glass back. This is definately no Schneider Weiss. The beer was inoffensive enough, but has an odd citrus finish, like someone had squeezed a lemon into it. I am sure by now most people are aware that I don't much care for fruit in my beer, but this is more like a Corona with lime than some horrid concoction like Blackcurrant Rye Beer. Outside the slight lemon flavour, there was no discernable aftertaste at all which made the beer rather refreshing, but it is a shallow profile with little going on outside the lemony finish. I think this one could be good on a summer patio moreso than a late December evening. Still, I have to say I am still looking for that fabled Belgian beer that will blow me away. Next up: Leffe!

Bah Humbug! Christmas Ale

2008-12-28T21:03:00.005-05:00

Another entry under the 'seasonal' catagory, Wychwood Breweries' Bah Humbug! Christmas Ale is another novelty beer brought in by the LCBO for the holiday season. Wychwood Breweries is based in Oxfordshire, England and its line includes other brands such as Hobgoblin, Fiddler's Elbow and Winter's Troll. Most of their products have a colourful cartoon mascot for that particular brand, and Bah Humbug! is no different. The label is a scowl-faced caricature of Dicken's Scrooge (which the beer is somewhat named after) with the ghost of Jacob Marley in the background. The illustration is fitting for more than the obvious reasons.

Wychwood tends to use heavy bottles for its beer, which is great even if you don't live in a country where bottling your adversaries during drunken pub brawls are a common event. The bottle is sturdy and gives the impression of quality. The reverse label indicates the following:

Spiced beer. Brewed with the choicest hops and malt, lightly spiced with cinnamon, this is a rich ale complimented with the subtle taste of dried fruits. Beer with cinnamon.

Now I don't know about you, but the last 'spicy' beer I drank was Chimay and the coriander aftertaste did not fit the flavour profile at all. Undaunted, I poured the dark brew into a pint glass and drank. It smelled not unlike any other dark ale I have tried, with no evidence of cinnamon, nutmeg or any other surprises they may have added for laughs. The taste is a sweet, malty profile to be expected from such a dark brew, kind of flat with a slight cinnamon aftertaste. I personally could not detect any "dried fruits" in the mix, and it was somewhat reminiscent of the dark malt homebrew I used to make at home with my dad. While I couldn't see myself drinking more than one of these without getting turned off alcohol for the rest of the night (and/or becoming violently ill), it really wasn't bad for a before-dinner drink on a cold December night. Definately something different for the holidays, and with enough of them in you, you might just see the ghost of Jacob Marley yourself!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-25T11:55:00.005-05:00

First of all, I'd like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!!

I apologize for the lack of updates lately but it has been a very crazy week. Between fighting with Ford Motor Company (again) and trying to finish my Christmas shopping amid the shambling hordes of ignorant mall dwellers, I have hardly had time to sit down for a relaxing glass of ale or two. Can someone please remind me why this is called a holiday?

The good news is there are quite a few new reviews coming in the very near future. First, I was gifted this morning with a bottle of Wychwood Breweries "Bah, Humbug!" seasonal beer which is chilling in the refrigerator as I type this. Additionally, due to criticism about my harsh treatment of Belgian beers, I will be reviewing the top three Belgian exports for a final decision on the Belgian brewing technique. As well, I will be diving into my extensive rum collection to see what I have acquired over the years.

In the meantime, I hope you all have a great day getting drunk with friends and family. Thanks for your continued support through 2009. Here's toasting a nice, refreshing glass of Cisco in your honour. Again, here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and all the best in 2009!

Talisker 10 Year Single Malt

2008-12-18T09:39:00.007-05:00

While Christmas inevitably brings a truckload of bad alcohol with it, it is also a time many of us reach for quality liquor to share with friends and family. As many of you undoubtedly know, I am a big fan of single malt Scotch whiskey. In fact, I have become something of a "whiskey snob" in that I won't even touch the cheaper quality blends anymore (unless to review for this site, of course). My taste was forged on Glenfeddich and has mostly stayed on the side of Speyside malts such as Aberlour and The Glenlivet. This Christmas however, I decided to jump whole-hog into one of the smokier (and most popular) Island malts, Talisker 10 Year Old.

The Talisker Distillery is located in Carbost on Scotland's Isle of Skye. In fact, Talisker is the only distllery found on the entire island. Whiskey making has been a tradition here since 1830 when Hugh and Kenneth MacAskill built the original Talkisker distillery and started making their famous malt. The original spirit (like Irish whiskey) was triple-distilled, however Talisker switched to a double-distilling method in 1928. All Talisker stills still use worm-coils instead of modern condensers which is said to give this whiskey its full-bodied flavour.

The whiskey is a rich amber-gold colour and gives off a slight peatiness on the nose. The flavour is very complex and despite its strong 45.8% abv, is very smooth on the palate. The finish is strong smoke which fades off to a fantastic sweet smokey-caramel. It is not hard to see why this whiskey has gained such a strong fanbase through the years (including Treasure Island author Robert Louis Stevenson). I can see this particular brand becoming one of my personal favourites despite its rather hefty price tag. It is definately something all fans of single malt Scotch should treat themselves to. It is a exceptional example of the Islay style of malting. Highly recommended.

Fuller's London Pride

2008-12-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

When I was in my twenties, I used to attend the bi-annual Festival of Britain with my father at Exhibition Place in Toronto. The Festival of Britain was a celebration of all things British and featured foods, products and celebrities from the UK. The celebrities were often some dried-up cooze who had outlived her youth on such daily English serials like Coronation Street. In addition to the 'drum and pipe' bands and the flea-market atmosphere of the show, there was also a beer graden that was sponsored by William Grant and Sons, distillers of the world-famous Glenfeddich Scotch Whiskey.

As William Grant and Sons sponsored the event, there was an abundance of cheaply-priced whiskey to be had by all. Shots of Grant's blended scotch went for 75 cents, shots of Glenfeddich were one dollar, and shots of The Belvenie were $1.25. With these prices, it was easy to see why some people just never seemed to leave the beer garden. As a chaser, the beer garden offered 6 oz cups of Fuller's London Pride for a dollar as well. I can say without doubt that this twice-yearly event was what honed my taste for both single malt scotches and Fuller's ale.

I later began seeing Fuller's London Pride at the LCBO, and for awhile both my father and I bought it regularly. Soon afterwards however, it seemed to disappear from the shelves. I had assumed the LCBO had delisted it due to lack of interest from the general public (who were undoubtedly convinced that Belgian beer was the cat's ass of world brewing history - fools!). I had continued to keep an eye out for it, and finally discovered it was added to the LCBO's seasonal offerings this year.

Fuller's London Pride is an excellent example of good British ale. The amber brew has good head, a balanced hop flavour and a refreshing finish. It was a very welcome change from the previously-reviewed Blackcurrant Rye Beer, which is the only liquor I had ever sinked during a tasting. The cool, flavouful ale was just as I remembered it, and it brought back fond memories of the great times I spent with my father getting liquored up at the Festivals of Britain.

Mort Subite Framboise

2008-12-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

One might think I had enough of Belgian brews after the Chimay experience, however I couldn't resist this second example of brewer's madness. Once again, this beer is from Belgium and once again it is sealed in a wine-style bottle with a champagne-calibre cork. Taking my last experience into consideration, I did not reach for the magnum this time. From my knowledge based on past experiences with Belgian beers, I assumed that this one would probably not be very good. As it turns out, I was correct in my assumptions.

I twisted off the wire cage and popped the cork. It left the bottle with a lot less force than the Chimay cork did, and as such was not quite as exciting. As for the beer, Mort Subite Framboise pours a deep reddish colour and fizzes up a pink head not unlike Pink Champale. The scent is a mix of beer and raspberry, which is essentially what this stuff tastes like. It is very reminiscent of Wildberry wine coolers that were popular among girls in high school, but is far too sweet and fruity for my palate. Michelle tried some and remarked it was not that bad at all, however I doubt she would want to get drunk on it either. I would expect the taste of this to be popular with high school kids, but the import price would likely turn them away to cheaper alternatives for a Friday night party. All in all, it was simply another grande example why it might be advisable to think twice before buying a beer brewed in Belgium.

Blackcurrant Rye Beer

2008-12-15T10:09:00.007-05:00

As Christmas approaches, the LCBO never fails to take advantage of the added stress the holiday season inevitably brings with it. This typically means a roll-out of "seasonal" beers and liquors. This also means a plethora of unique and bizarre concoctions for the adventurous (or just plain stupid). Throwing good taste aside, I ventured into the liquor store to find some of the worst products to be pushed onto the buying public in the name of hoiday cheer. As usual, I was not disappointed.

It was actually Brian who spotted this fine example of why brewmasters should be tested for schizophenia before being hired. Perhaps he thought that I would enjoy this dicordant mixture, but in retrospect I think he just wanted to watch me to drink a big glass of misery. Regardless, I picked the bottle up and examined the label, which had a nice rendition of the winter solstice on it.. "Blackcurrant Rye Beer" jumped at me like a neon sign. I reasoned that I like blackcurrants, enjoy rye and have an insatiable thirst for beer so this should be a somewhat enjoyable experience. How could I go wrong? Unfortunately, I had no idea how wrong I could possibly be.

Back at Brian's, I popped the cap on this one and poured it into a pint glass. It didn't smell offensive, so I dove in with a large mouthful, and it hit my tongue like a train wreck. It hardly resembled beer in any form I have ever tried before. It tasted like watered-down prune juice with very little upside on the palate, and a very flat profile. I practically had to force it down., and did not enjoy the experience at all. Brian, who was undoubtedly amused by this display, tried to inspire me to finish the glass. To be quite honest, I made a Herculean effort to drain it, but in the end it defeated me. Brian actually got so tired of waiting for me to finish the vile brew that he took the glass and sinked it. I was never so glad to have someone pour out a beer in my entire life.

The experience brings up something I have thought about for a long time. What is with this current trend of mixing beer with fruit? I could see the possibility of trying to make cooler-like brews that would appeal to women, but I could never imagine a woman getting past an initial taste of this swill. The final verdict is that fruit juice simply does not belong in beer. AVOID!

Chimay Red Belgian Beer

2008-12-13T08:00:00.005-05:00

A while ago, I was talking with a coworker about beer when he asked me if I had ever tried Belgian beer before. After stating I had never had the inclination to try it, he remarked "you should. All the real beer drinkers are drinking it." Having no idea what qualifies one as a "real" beer drinker (I personally consume untold gallons of the stuff), I dismissed his comments as the symptom of yet another pretentious marketing trend. I have since tried Leffe, Hoegaarten and Stella Artois, and if this is what "real beer" consists of I'll pass. Stella was the only one worth drinking and is mediocre at best - certainly not worth the price they charge for it. The others, quite simply, are keif.

Which brings me to the subject of tonight's review. Chimay Red is a Belgian beer that has been the subject of yet another pretentious marketing trend. Made by Trappist Monks since 1862, the beer has actually been touted as "the world's best". Lofty words for a product made in a country that seems to know little more than France about the brewer's art. Evidence of this is the wine bottle the product is packaged in, complete with a champagne cage and cork to seal it with. Seriously, who sells beer in wine bottles besides the French? And why would a beer need a champagne-calibre stopper? We would soon find out.

I removed the wire cage from the cork and gave it a gentle push with my thumbs. The cork took off like a rocket, smashed into the wall and bounced back, nearly strinking me in the face. At least I had the foresight to point it away from the television. "Beer isn't supposed to do that," stated Brian as we got our second clue that Chimay is a little different from our average brew. Brian had selected a couple glasses and we poured the beer into them. The colour was a murky brown, probably due to the fact that Belgians are apparently too lazy to filter their beer. The only unfiltered beer style that is excusable is weissen, and this was far from weissen as you can get. The head was adequate, but Brian's glass foamed up way to much and had to be sinked and refilled. As he went about getting his refill, I noticed champagne-style bubbles in the murky darkness in the glass. I started to wonder if they actually use champagne yeast to make this stuff. One can never tell, but thus far I had not seen anything close to brewing genius from Belgium - especially when they seem to have confused their beer and wine.

Undaunted by this mysterious turn of events, we raised our glasses and drank. The strong flavour of this ale was not unexpected, as I had counted on a strong flavour based on its colour. However, the initial palate was immediately overcome by what tasted like strong coriander. Who in the hell puts coriander in beer? Brian was not at all impressed with the herbal finish, and stated he was not sure if it actually was coriander, but it certainly did not belong in a beer bottle. I concurred with this reasoning and concluded that based on my experience, the Belgians are utterly clueless when it comes to brewing. Chimay may be an interesting novelty, but I could not see myself drinking more than two bottles of this stuff without feeling violently ill. The only way Chimay Red could possibly be "the best beer in the world" is if the only other contenders was a skunky Grolsch and a piss-warm Schlitz. The flavour is simply too spicy to even be considered beer in my books.

LCBO French Brandy

2008-12-12T00:29:00.011-05:00

As any resident of Ontario knows, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (or LCBO) oversees all liquor sales within the province. Recently, the LCBO has gone through a kind of renaissance in that in order to counter cries that liquor sales should be privitized. It has started stocking many fine spirits found worldwide to provide much better selection to the discerning alcoholic. However, the subject of this review is a throwback to the days when the LCBO could care less about good taste, and sold whatever crap it could to turn a profit. Products like LCBO-bottled "French" Brandy are excellent examples of this.

It is unknown where this brandy originated. Back when the LCBO bottled its own imports (presumably after buying them bulk from their country of origin), these "no-name" liquors were usually the cheapest buys in the liquor store. It has since abandoned this practice, which serves as testament to how old this bottle really is (I personally have had it in my collection for 10 or so years). There is no identifying characteristics about this hooch save the name. And while such fine labels are a good indication of how light they are on the pocketbook, they are hardly an endorsement of good taste.

Approximately 10 years ago, I worked in security at a point in my life where I was basically living the slacker lifestyle. As anyone who has worked in this field can testify, it is boring and otherwise poorly paying employment. A friend of mine had told me that her parents were taking a trip to China for three weeks in late December and as I was "experienced" in security, she asked me to watch over her parent's house while they were gone. In return for said duties, she promised me a bottle of liquor as payment. This turn of events was responsible for my coming into possession of the subject of my review tonight.

The girl in question threw a New Year's Party at her parent's house in which we drank like silly fools as only 20-somethings do. The next morning she once again reiterated her thanks for making sure her parent's house wasn't robbed and told me she would give me one of her father's bottles as payment. She opened his well-stocked liquor cabinet, bypassed the Scotch and other high-end liquors, and presented me with this bottle of LCBO French Brandy.

As she handed me the bottle, I muttered my thanks and wondered what the hell you do with brandy. My only experience with this particular liquor was watching old cartoons where the St. Bernard dog carried a flask of it on its collar to give wary travellers who had inadvertantly been buried under an avalanche. I took the bottle home, and decided that a taste test would be my best guide. I recall pouring a shot, downing it, and nearly puking as a result. I have never tasted rat poison, but somehow knew this was very similar. After all, no-name LCBO brand liquor was not known for its quality and the rest of the bottle has sat behind the bar ever since. Now, 10 years later, I believe it is time to find out if time has taken the edge off this hideous low-end hooch.

I poured a shot into a glass neat to fully appreciate (or despise) its full flavour. The smell is something akin to grain alcohol with a bit of white wine mixed in for flavour - not a good sign at all. However, I feel it is my duty to sacrifice myself in the name of good taste and drank the shot down. Strangely, it seems that age had indeed mellowed its otherwise excruciating flavour. It is mellow with a fruity base around the edges. Going down, it is not exactly smooth, but it is still better than Hiram Walker Special Old. However, the after-burn it leaves on the palate is not good at all, and is reminiscent of cheap street hooch. The burn sits on the tongue and is reminds me of such cheap crap as Five Star and 7 Crown. Time cannot gold-plate a turd after all, and while better than it was 10 years ago it still sits well below the line of decent booze. Perhaps I'll take it out again after another 10 years and see if improves after 20, although something tells me it will simply be a big glass of the same misery. Caveat emptor.

Drunk in Green Bay, WI

2008-12-09T06:27:00.018-05:00

For the sports fan, no party is huge as an NFL tailgate and no city knows this better than Green Bay, Wisconsin. Home of the 12 time World Champion Green Bay Packers, this city has seen some of the biggest parties and best football in the NFL. Having made the pilgrimmage to this hallowed ground on four occasions, I can testify to the hospitality and party atmosphere this city provides to fans of all NFL franchises. It is definately something everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime.

Lambeau Field (aka The Frozen Tundra) has been home to the Green Bay Packers since it opened its doors in 1957, and is named after Packers founder Earl 'Curly' Lambeau. After undergoing various upgrades in 2003, the stadium emerged as the crown jewel of the NFL and the premier focal point of the Green Bay community. Lambeau Field is also the location of the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and is home to the Packer's three Lombardi Trophies (Superbowls I, II, and XXXI). Due to the overwhelming popularity of this franchise, Lambeau Field is sold-out on a season ticket basis for the next 35 years. Fortunately, there are plenty of avenues available to obtain tickets to a game. The most simple option is to buy a package from Packer Fan Tours which includes 2 nights hotel stay and an end zone ticket to the game. In my experience however, ordering a mid-field ticket from an online broker such as eventusa.com and personally booking a hotel room can end up costing little more than a package deal. Keep in mind that once the NFL schedule is announced, hotels for game weekends dry up FAST. If you want to do all the leg work yourself, don't leave it to the last minute.

Green Bay, Wisconsin is approximately 12 hours drive from Toronto, Ontario. The route we take bypasses lovely Detroit, MI but goes through other tourist meccas such as Flint, MI and Gary, IN until you end up in Chicago, IL (tip: make time to stop for Chicago deep-dish pizza - there is no substitute!). From Chicago, continue north past Milwaukee, WI until finally arriving in Green Bay. The city of Green Bay has a poplation of approximately 103,000 and I was never in any part of the city I did not feel safe. The people there are extremely friendly, accomadating and genuinely want to you to return. This may have something to do with the fact that Wisconsin is known only for four things: beer, cheese, cannibals and the Green Bay Packers.

Once arriving in Green Bay, you will probably want to hit the bars. No matter where you are staying, a bar is never very far away. However, it is a good idea to keep in mind that the party starts early on Game Day. The tailgate officially starts three hours before kickoff, which on a Sunday is generally at noon. This means you want to be in the stadium district and lined up for the tailgate by 8:45. One of the best tailgate parties I have personally attended is the one held in the parking lot of Brett Favre's Steakhouse. The steakhouse tailgate is a stone's throw from Lambeau Field and costs $25 to enter. The fee includes unlimited draught beer, mixed drinks, hamburgers, brats, jambalaya (the Favre family's own recipe), salads and cookies. As you can see from the picture, draught beer and mixed drinks are lined up on tables and you can guzzle all you want. Additionally, it should be worth mentioning that the city of Green Bay suspends all liquor-related bylaws on Game Day. In other words, no one cares if you grab a couple cups of draught for the walk over to the stadium. The party is hosted by a local DJ who plays a mix of parodies that generally poke fun at the division rivals and the visiting team. The party is always a great time and the food is excellent.

Another aspect of the live NFL experience is the crazy outfits people wear to the games. Cheeseheads, jerseys and beads are the norm, with some people going over the top (like Super Ram above). Whether fuelled by alchol or simply a love of the game, people wear some of the craziest costumes I have ever seen. This just adds to the relaxed carnival atmosphere and overall great time one has at the game. Unlike some NFL towns, Green Bay is reknown for treating fans of both the Packers and the visiting team equally, and any ribbing that goes on is always good-natured.

Shortly before kickoff, grab a cup of draught and make the short walk over to Lambeau. There are always people selling souveniers, beads, cheeseheads and other team-related merchandise along the way. As you near the stadium, you'll find the parking lot of Lambeau Field is the scene of an even bigger tailgate party, with some people without tickets bringing generators and televisions along with their coolers and barbeques so they can watch the game at the stadium! The smell of barbequed meat hangs in the air and everywhere people are drinking and tossing footballs around. Once inside the stadium, the party continues full-speed. While security is a little stricter in the stadium to ensure everyone's enjoyment of the game, Lambeau Field does not rape you sans lube when it comes to beer prices. Additionally, they are one of the only teams in the league that serve beer up until the end of the third quarter. Live football is something an anomoly as well in that a three-hour game only seems to be an hour at the stadium. No matter where you sit in Lambeau Field, you always have an excellent view of the field. It truly is one of the greatest football stadiums on the planet.

Kübler 53 Swiss Absinthe

2008-12-07T09:20:00.019-05:00

Kübler Swiss Absinthe Superieure was launched in Motiers, Switzerland by J. Fritz Kübler in 1863. Motiers is the capital of Val-de-Travers, the traditional birthplace of absinthe, which sits on the eastern border of France. The region's climate is what is credited with producing the high-quality ingredients that are used to make some of the finest absinthes in the world. Kübler Absinthe Superieure was the recipient of numerous awards and medals in competitions around Europe up until the Swiss government banned absinthe in 1910.

With the modern absinthe revival in full swing, Yves Kübler, J. Fritz Kübler's grandson, revived the family tradition of Swiss absinthe production. Kubler 53 is made according to the original formula, with a herbal mixture including grand wormwood, anise, hyssop, coriander and fennel. Each herb used in its production is locally grown in Val-de-Travers, and the modern distillery is located just a few miles from Kübler's original site.

I picked this bottle up at the Bonanza General Store at Sahara Ave. and Las Vegas Blvd. in Las Vegas, NV. Having tried several absinthes ranging from mediocre to good, I couldn't wait to get home to louche up a glass. Kübler is a blanche absinthe, which means it is clear as herbs are not used to colour the distillate into the more familiar green normally associated with the drink. Much in the traditional fashion, I poured a shot into a Pontarlier glass and dripped ice-cold spring water over a sugar cube on an absinthe spoon. As the water dripped into the liquor, the scent of an alpine meadow became more pronounced. The smell of the herbs grew stronger as the essential oils seperated from the alcohol, and a cloudy louche started to form at the bottom of the glass. In my experience, the scents coming from this absinthe were some of the best I have encountered to date.

As I continued to drip water over the sugar, the milky-white louche filled the glass and the scent became even more pronounced. Not exactly "room-filling", but it was a lot stronger than most of the other absinthes I have tried. At approximately a 4:1 mixture, I stopped adding water and raised it to my lips. There was no discernable alcohol smell from the drink, just the sweet scent of alpine herbs. I took a sip and let it float around my mouth. The feel of the liquor was creamy, yet crisp and cool. Unlike the previously-reviewed Pernod 68, the licorice taste of anise was not overpowering at all and was tempered with the slight taste of wormwood. The overall flavour was extremely pleasant and made you want to drink more. The finish did not numb the mouth like absinthes heavy on star anise do, and the finish was pleasant and lasting.

Overall, I would say that Kübler is a very good mid-range absinthe with plenty of character for the price. The scent as it louches is similar to Okanagan Spirit's Taboo, and the flavour is clean and very drinkable. While it may be a little light for more discerning absinthe connoisseurs, I find this is an excellent product for both those curious about absinthe and those that want something better than the inferior brands available domestically.

Pink Champale

2008-12-06T23:49:00.010-05:00

"Live a little on very little!" was the tagline when this malt liquor hit the streets in 1960. Heavily marketed toward African-Americans as a poor man's champagne, Champale is responsible for the widespead appeal of malt liquor today. However, unlike traditional beer, Champale is brewed with yeast strains more commonly found in winemaking and allegedly creates a beverage that can be described as "sparkling and elegant." Champale comes in four varieties: Golden, Pink, Dry and Red Berry.

Pink Champale pours like a champagne, quickly fizzing up like soda but leaving no discernable head in the glass. It has an inoffensive fruity aroma and goes down smooth without the burn of traditional street liquor. However, being almost identical in colour to the hideous nightmare that is Strawberry Cisco, I suspect it contains the same cancer-causing dyes as it's psychotic brethren. It should also be noted that the sweet flavour of this stuff is a fairly good indication that a night getting drunk it would lead to one mother of a hangover the next morning. Not being strong enough for the hardcore street crowd, I imagine you would likely find empty bottles of this stuff littering your local teenage drinking spot.

Street Wine Revisited

2008-12-04T23:10:00.009-05:00

As I was posting the reviews of Hiram Walker Special Old Rye Whiskey and MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee, I realized something that may be a unique correlation between cheap rye and skid row street hooch. Despite the inevitable fame (or some may say, infamy) that comes with being associated with the wanton alcoholism that is embraced in the name of this site, Brian was not at all keen to taste the Hiram Walker Special Old when I suggested it to him. In fact, he was dead set against the idea, especially when I tossed the year-old MD 20/20 in the mix. However, once he had a taste of the rye, he himself went to the liquor cabinet and suggested we may as well get the Orange Jubilee tasting under our belts. Strangely, this caused an eerie feeling of deja vu regarding last summer when Mad Dog Johnny decided to chug Cisco.

We had spent the evening drinking beer at our local pub and had come back to my place for a nightcap before calling it a night. As it turned out, I only had enough Aberlour left for two drinks. As we finished them off, Johnny asked if I had more whiskey. The only bottle I had in the house was the Hiram Walker Special Old that Brian and I sampled for yesterday's column. I had purchased the bottle that day as an impulse buy at the local LCBO. I passed it to Johnny who took a nice long pull from it. As he placed the bottle back on the bar, he suddenly asked if I had any Cisco. As it turned out, I still had the over half-bottle of Stawberry left over from the infamous 'Evening of Bumwine'. I retreived the bottle from the fridge and handed it to him.

Now as anyone familiar with this blog will tell you, not only is Cisco in all probability the most disgusting alcoholic beverage ever created by man, but Strawberry is arguably the most vile flavour ever. Despite hearing repeated tales of Cisco's depression-inducing hangover recounted ad nauseum by both Brian and I, Johnny uscrewed the cap and proceeded to chug the remaining contents of the bottle. I stood there in disbelief as he drank, with my only thoughts being to get photographic evidence of the event (along with ensuring I got him out of my house before he vomited and permanently stained the carpet).

The strange similarity between these two events was the fact that it seems drinking Hiram Walker Special Old Rye brings out the street bum in those who consume it. Both times I have witnessed people shoot this particular brand of rye, they seem to immediately reach for a chaser of bumwine to wash it down with. I cannot help but wonder if Brain and I had not lived through the horror that was the 'Evening of Bumwine', would we both have woke up bloodied and beaten as a result of fighting over that last drop of MD 20/20? This peculiarity begs further study, but I do not think I could ever talk Johnny or Brian into serving as guinea pigs for any type of Cisco-related experiments. After all, they both had experienced the devastating streetwine hangover, and neither was too fond of Hiram Walker Special Old Rye Whiskey.

As for Mad Dog Johnny, I managed to escort him out of the house before he made a mess of the carpet. However, he recalls nothing of this incident save waking up in the back seat of his car drenched in sweat as the hot sun beat down upon it. He since requested that should he ever get a bright idea like chugging Cisco again, I am to smash the bottle over his head before he gets the chance.

Hiram Walker Special Old Rye

2008-12-04T02:31:00.029-05:00

Last night, I ventured over to my friend Brian's to evaluate another low-end alcoholic beverage, Hiram Walker Special Old Rye. Despite well-founded reservations, Brian finally agreed to sample this product along with a bottle of MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee that I picked up last year in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Brian's wife Michelle, who was present during the sampling, merely shook her head in dismay and refused to take part. Ironically, I think she would have protested this article with much more fortitude had we been evaluating KFC's new Famous Bowls (she constantly decries Brian's desires to sit down and eat one). However, as this was a mere alcohol-based product, she simply laughed at us. After a few beers, we were ready to begin, despite her attempts to dissuade us with a good ball-busting.

Brian was the first to step up to the plate. Normally, he is a straight-up beer drinker, but like a soldier volunteered to sacrifice himself to the cause (after a few pints of ale, of course). I poured him a shot of the whiskey and raising it to his lips, he smiled as he shot it back. The reaction he gave was both one of surprise and shock as this Canadian institution hit his throat. Michelle laughed at loud at the look on his face, despite his protestations that "it wasn't that bad." He placed his glass down on the table and gave me a "you're next" look. He added that he would include his thoughts on this liquor at a later time, as he needed time to mull it over.

I poured my own glass and shot it back. Normally, whiskey doesn't phase me (unless it is Jack Daniel's, of course), but this one was like an out-of control cement truck as it slid down my gullet. While not as bad as Five Star, it still burned but really wasn't that bad for a rye, despite the fact that I could never see myself buying it again. My ages-old criteria for whiskey has always been that if yoiu can't drink it neat, it isn't worth drinking. This product definately needed a healthy dose of ginger ale. The taste was consistant with most Canadian whiskies, but it was far too rough going down to make a night with it alone a pleasurable experience.

Next up was the old ghetto standby, MD 20/20. While MD 20/20 comes in a myriad of flavours, I chose Orange Jubilee for the simple fact that it was the most ridiculous flavour for a wine I have ever heard of. As you can see, it cost me a mere $2.99 for this bottle so it can easily fit into a wino's budget. However, the question remained as with all cheap street hooch: Will it be platable to actually drink, or will the experience turn out to be something akin to Strawberry Cisco? It was time to find out!

Brian was the first to try it, and once again found the taste to be inoffensive (or perhaps he was just too drunk to tell). Inspired by his dedication to the cause, I poured myself a glass of the orange-coloured swill. As I raised it to my lips, I could discern no intensely revolting chemical scent, as one does when indulging in the seven-horned beast called Cisco. I tipped the glass back and let the orange liquor flow around my tongue as to get a proper feel for the evaluation.

The taste was inoffensive and was reminiscent of orange Tang mixed with watered-down grain spirits. However, after several mugs of ale and a shot of cheap rye, the flavours didn't quite mix well which gave rise to my disgusted expression. I would still say that MD 20/20 is the least offensive of all ghetto wines I have tried, and I could see myself downing a bottle on a dare if I was in the U.S. for a week-long bender. However, I wouldn't recommend doing so after several hours of beer drinking.

As we concluded the tasting, Michelle asked if she could "finally throw [the MD 20/20] out?" To which Brian gave a stern "Never!" If you ask me, I think he has a secret penchant for bumwine and these trips "to Chicago" he keeps going on are merely an excuse to fly south of the border to get a fix. Now if only we could get a bottle of Night Train....

Brian also had a couple surpises in the back of his liquor cabinet. The first was a bottle of "Newfie Duck" sparkling wine that I picked up for him on a trip to Newfoundland in 2007. The other was a 20+ year bottle of Baby Duck sparkling wine that he managed to pick up someplace. Both of these products will be both sampled and evaluated on New Year's Eve 2008/2009 as we ring in the new year in true Liquor Pig fashion. This will definately be a grand event. Michelle has even promised to make some of her famous bacon-wrapped chestnuts for the party!

Drunk In Dublin, Ireland

2008-12-03T01:46:00.020-05:00

Last May, after a planned trip to Las Vegas with the now defunct Morbid Pig's Eastern European field reporter Oleg Stavrovsky fell through, I decided to soak in some family ancestery in Dublin, Ireland. Dublin is a great drinking destination for many reasons. From its ages-old pub scene, the Guinness Brewery and the Old Jameson Whiskey Distillery, Ireland has plenty to offer to both the casual drinker as well as the seasoned alcoholic. The world-famous Temple Bar is also a must-see on my list. Not only did it serve historical Irish celebrities like Oscar Wilde and James Joyce during nights of drunken debauchery, it was also the final setting that set the stage for the infamous "There's No Bus!" incident where I staggered from the pub, got on the Iarnród Éireann for Dun Laoghaire where I was staying, and passed out. Some time later, I was awoken by an irate Irish Rail worker shaking me and screaming in my face. Apparently, I had passed out on the train and rode it to its final destination in Dalkey. Christ only knows how long I was sleeping there before he found me. When I enquired about a bus to Dun Laoghaire, he shouted "THERE'S NO BUS!!!" as I was dragged off the train and shoved in a cab. 23 Euro later, I found myself in front of The Royal Marine Hotel while I wondered what the hell just happened to me. Good times for everybody involved!

It was also at the Temple Bar where I was drinking with some dude from Cleveland, Ohio and was told about becoming an "Irish Whiskey Taster" at the Old Jameson Whiskey Distillery. I was told when you take the distillery tour they ask for volunteers who are given shots of various Irish, Scotch and American whiskies and asked to choose which ones they like the best. Obviously, this is something a souse like me couldn't dream of passing up! However, between bouncing around Dublin's pub scene and soaking up some of the various tourist highlights (including a tour of Newgrange in Co. Meath), I left the Jameson tour to my last day there. Now thorougly hung over from the "There's No Bus!" incident the night before, the last thing I could stomach would be shots of whiskey. However, I still had not visited Ireland's oldest pub, The Brazen Head, and knew I still had at least one more mission to accomplish.

The Brazen Head pub is Ireland's oldest, and sits on a site that has held a liquor license since 1198. Even feeling close to death from drinking like a crazy fool the night before, I knew I had to get there to soak up some history (as well as a few pints). I wandered along the Liffey River until I found the pub in the westernmost part of the tourist district. I went inside and ordered a Guinness. After some initial trouble getting the first few mouthfuls down, the black gold worked its Irish magic, and my hangover slowly started to recede. I checked the time and saw it was only 3:00 and I still had time to make the Jameson Distillery. Feeling much better, I left the Brazen Head, crossed the Liffey and made my way to the home of one of the largest whiskey distillers in Ireland.

I managed to get a ticket for the second-last tour of the day. While the Guinness had helped ease the pain of the adventure the previous night, I still felt horrible and the last thing I needed was multiple shots of whiskey. However, even in my deteriorated state, I knew when they asked for volunteers I would never be able to resist the siren's call of free liquor and the distinction of being a certified Irish Whiskey Taster. Sure enough, when the tour began and we were ushered into a theatre to watch a short presentation on uisce beatha ("The Water of Life"), the request for 3 male and 3 female volunteers was made, and my hand shot up faster than anyone in the room. And as the tour guide pointed at me to be one of the chosen, I smiled even as I knew this was probably going to be a very bad idea.

Whiskey was invented in Ireland, who then taught the art to the Scots. Initially, both Scotch and Irish whiskey starts off the same way. Barley is soaked in water until it germinates, which changes the starch it contains into fermentable sugar. Once germination has taken place, the barley is roasted to carmelize the sugars and prepare it to be mashed into malt. Up to this point, the process is identical in both Ireland and Scotland. However, it is the fuel used to dry the barley that differs from the two regions. The Irish used coal to dry the barley while the Scots used peat. The use of peat is what gives Scotch its distictive smokey flavour. After the the barley is dried, it is placed in a mash tun, boiled into malt, and finally fermented. This entire process is no different than what is done when making beer. However, after the "beer" has finished fermenting, it is distilled three times, which accounts for Jameson's legendary smoothness in the finished product.

Another interesting fact about aged whiskey is what is known as the "Angel's Share". When whiskey is aged in oak barrels for long periods of time, some of the whiskey evaporates through the wood. The longer a whiskey is aged, the more disappears from the barrel. This missing whiskey is called the "Angel's Share" in Ireland, and was historically attributed to being taken by God's angels, who apparently love really old Irish whiskey. A barrel aged 12 years may lose a fifth of it's contents, while a very old barrel may lose up to half. This accounts for the vast price difference between 10, 12, 18 and 25 year old whiskey. The older the whiskey, the longer it sits and the less finished product the distillery has to sell.

Now came the part we all had been anticipating, the tasting. Myself, along with 5 other lucky volunteers, were given a shot each of Paddy's Irish Whiskey, Power's Irish Whiskey and Jameson Irish Whiskey. We were then told to taste each and pick the one we liked the most. 5 of us chose Jameson, while one girl chose Paddy's (silly fool). However, no offence was taken as these were all Jameson products. After choosing our favourite Irish whiskey, we were given a shot of Johnny Walker Red (Scotland's best selling wiskey) and Jack Daniel's (America's best selling whiskey). As soon as I heard the name Jack Daniel's an involuntary shiver ran down my spine. In my opinion, Jack Daniel's is one of the most horrible concoctions ever conceived by mankind. And after chugging 2/3 of a 40 ouncer in Grade 9 along with Mad Dog Johnny, I knew full well this was not going to be a pleasant experience. However, I reasoned after drinking Cisco and Thunderbird, Jack Daniel's should be a breeze, and I wanted my certification, dammit! "In for a penny, in for a pound" I remembered my grandmother saying as I managed to put down the Jack along with the Johnny Walker, and easily chose Jameson as my favourite of the lot. As I was presented with my certificate, I was named a certified Irish Whiskey Taster and was given another glassful of Jameson's finest to savour while reflecting on this awesome experience.

Pernod 68 Absinthe

2008-12-02T04:21:00.016-05:00

This was my first encounter with the Green Fairy. I picked this baby up at my local LCBO after hearig that absinthe was finally available in Ontario liquor stores. While not the best absinthe I have ever drank (far from it, actually), it is much better than the Czechsinthe that allegely makes you TripBallz and is about as close to real absinthe as homemade corn whiskey is to a fine single-malt Scotch. Regardless, here is my original review of Pernod 68 that I wrote in January 2007:

I tried this stuff on Monday morning. Personally, I hate sugar in my drinks so I didn't bother with the sugar ritual. I poured a good shot and mixed it with ice-cold water until it turned a cloudy death-green (kinda like the colour of really old antifreeze out of a '72 Gremlin that has been on blocks in your parent's backyard since '81). It had a rather pleasant bitter-licorice flavour. I sat back and drank the glass down and have only one thing to say:

This shit hits you like Fred Vogel's hammer in August Underground.

I was sitting in my family room drunk at 8:00 AM. Though I must say it wasn't a brutal buzz you would expect if you knocked back a glass of 151 or chugged half a bottle of T-Bird. It was kinda strange. So like an idiot, I poured another one to see what I would feel like after 2 of them. After the second glass I was properly drunk and went to bed falling into the deepest sleep I have had in months (with the exception of the times I took lorazepam for insomnia).

Surprisingly, I had no hangover. I had a slight headache when I first woke up which had more to do with deep sleep than anything else. Nothing that wasn't cured by a couple codeine-laced aspirins and a cup of coffee. I really don't think I would want to go Van Gogh and get smashed on this stuff. At 68% alcohol, I can see what possessed the man to cut his own ear off.

Originally posted on 26 January 2007

An Evening of Bumwine

2008-12-01T17:22:00.010-05:00

Last night, I got together with my friend Brian from Plaid Stallions for the previously announced "Evening of Bumwine". We sampled all four bottles above, and while somewhat coherent, wrote our thoughts on the taste of these infamous ghetto wines. As Brian's wife Michelle would probably skin us alive if we stained the carpet with any of the cheap dye used in making this crap by vomiting on the floor, Brian got a hefty puke bucket in case of any emergencies. We selected a couple coffee mugs for the sampling and we were ready to begin.

The first wine we tried was Cisco Black Cherry, which Brian was able to locate at Roadrunner Liquors in Clearwater, Florida. Apparently, Michelle was not impressed with the drug dealing look of the clientele that hung around the place like pilot fish. However, they managed to escape unscathed, and came home with a bottle of Cisco to evaluate.

Cisco Black Cherry: D -

From the moment Brian cracked this one, we knew things were going to get bad. The smell off this swill alone was enough to bring out cries of "oh god - what the hell is in this crap?" The colour was a putrid bluish-brown, and probably would have warned off anyone who poured a glass by mistake. However, despite the obvious warnings, we raised our cups and drank. I can desribe the flavour in just one word:

Vile.

I wish I could say this stuff was better than it was. It is completely horrible (as you can probably tell by my reaction to it). First of all, I don't know how they arrived at "black cherry". It tastes like a mix of berry-flavoured kool aid, grain spirits and a bottle of Robitussin for good measure. Then you have the chemical aftertaste, which is probably from the cancer-causing dyes used to give it such an appealing colour. The one arena where Cisco excelled in was getting you drunk. One mug of this stuff and I was buzzed. We went outside for a much needed smoke and continued with the bottle of MD 20/20.

Mad Dog 20/20 Red Grape Wine: B -

MD 20/20 (or as it is affectionately known on the street, Mad Dog 20/20) was actually the biggest surprise of the lot. Commonly found in gas stations, grocery and liquor stores all over the U.S., it is probably one of the best know bumwines. Recently, the 20/20 wine company scaled back the alcohol content to 13% from the tastebud numbing 18% it was infamous for. However, it was not a bad wine at all. Brian, who freely admits to detesting red wine, commented that this was the least offensive of the products we sampled. There was no discernable odour from this hooch, and the colour was consistent with any other red wine I have drank. It tasted like a cheap red wine, slightly dry and with no aftertaste. I imagine that this would be the one that has the greatest appeal outside the ghetto (and probably responsible for more than one teenage pregnancy). Overall, not a bad buzz for a couple bucks.

After another beer break, Brian produced the pride of his collection. The American Classic: Thunderbird!

Thunderbird: The American Classic: D +

This was not my first run in with this train wreck. In my youth once at one of Brian's parties, Mad Dog Johnny and I ran out of beer. Brian jokingly pulled out a bottle of Thunderbird (in what is apparently a rare bottle which is now considered a collector's item) and said, "you can drink this..." Like idiots, Johnny and I chugged the bottle down and killed it. Michelle had watched us half-amused and remarked "I can't believe they are drinking that!" Like I told her last week, I'll never learn.

I was buzzing pretty good by the time I got to Thunderbird, so I can't comment on the smell. What I do remember is the taste. Thunderbird hits your tongue like a 9 volt battery and caused involuntary tremors down my spine, like I had just taken a mouthful of homemade corn whiskey. It then proceeds to burn your throat all the way down to your stomach, leaving you with a surprisingly pleasant apple-like aftertaste. You can easily see how fond I am of the taste from the picture.

After another smoke break, we had another beer and dove headfirst into the grande finale: Cisco Strawberry (did I mention we are both gluttons for punishment?).

Cisco Strawberry: D -

The picture says it all. I had seriously thought Brian was going to vomit right there, but like a soldier he finished this vile brew. I picked up this gem at Malabar Liquors (formerly Malabar Discount Liquors) in Palm Bay, Florida. The name may have changed but the clientele have not. Now I know why the clerk laughed at me when I asked him for it. It smells nasty and tastes worse. While Cisco Black Cherry tasted like industrial cleaner, Strawberry Cisco tasted like someone was covering up the fact this was industrial cleaner with the taste of putrid strawberries long past their prime. I am honestly starting to think that Cisco just may be the result of some quasi-government conspiracy to get rid of the homeless. I can only hazard to guess about the long-term effects of drinking this swill. Take warning and avoid this stuff like the plague, unless you really are a homeless bum.

The Hangover

This evaluation would not be complete without posting what the hangover is like. Due to the fact we tried so many of these vile concoctions, I couldn't pin the hangover on one particular brand. However, I woke up feeling OK, drank a couple bottles of water and ate some meat pies. Within two hours, I felt like I wanted to crawl back into bed and forgot I woke up in the first place. Palitoy had a similar experience, and said that he will feel like "cold shit" until he goes to bed tonight. I guess when you dance with the Devil, you pay the price. Next time, I think I'll stick to beer.

Read Brian's assessment of these not-so-fine products by clicking the picture below:

Originally posted in morbidpig.com on 14 March 2007.