Wild Irish Rose

My wild Irish Rose,
The sweetest flower that grows.
You may search everywhere,
But none can compare
With my wild Irish Rose.

-Traditional

Returning to this blog's roots, Brian picked up a bottle of another member of the Big Five of the streetwine crowd, Richard's Wild Irish Rose. It should be noted that I had severe reservations on drinking this one after the nightmare that became An Evening of Bumwine. Brian had left the bottle in the fridge for two days, as the back label on the bottle exclaimed "SERVE COLD" in big, bold letters. We had a couple cans of liquid courage to get the nerve up to drink this swill, and after selecting a couple Star Trek glasses, we sat down for the tasting.

First of all, I would like to make it clear that this keif is as wholly unnatural coloured as Strawberry Cisco, which led me to believe this would be less like "wine" and more like a chemical laced carcinogen cocktail. After pouring two glasses the smell of this hooch filled the room with its disgusting odour. Not a good start at all. The liquid is clear and a near-flourescent red. Further inspection of the label concluded this was being passed off as "grape wine with citrus spirits" and had a abv of 17%. Throwing all caution to the wind, we tipped our glasses and drank. The sickly sweet taste of this stuff was reminscent of cough syrup. It didn't taste like grape wine at all and the flavour was obviously there to hide something much more sinister. Furthermore, while MD 20/20 "Red" actually tasted like wine, Wild Irish Rose did not even try to trick you into thinking this was actually made from fermented grapes. The "red" splashed prominently on the label is not an actual flavour or indication of this bottle's contents. I would hate to see what the "white" version of this stuff would taste like without the "red" flavouring to cover it up. This stuff literally tastes like a chemical cocktail with plenty of sugar to cover up what it is really made from. I cannot even fathom the long-term effects would be of a stint with this Irish gal, nor even what a single bottle may do to you if consumed in one sitting. Seriously, if given the choice between living under a bridge and having Irish Rosie to look forward to every night or simply hanging myself, I'd choose suicide without a second thought. This one is to be avoided unless you really are curious what it is like to get plastered wino-style.

Livivske Premium Lager

This one was another find at the 'shwa LCBO on my way up to Mad Dog Johnny's sisters place in Tweed for an afternoon of 12 gauge mayhem. I had never aven heard of "AbIBCbKE" beer before, so it was a given it would be reviewed. After we had wasted several hundred rounds of ammo and ate dinner, we sat down to some serious drinking and after everyone was feeling pretty good, I pulled out the "mystery beer".

Further inspection of the lable states this one is "Livivske Premium Lager" but gives no indication of the country of origin. Everything else on the lable was written with words that were seriously lacking in vowels, so we could discern nothing more about it. We sat out four glasses and poured some samples. The lager was a very clear golden colour with a white head and no sea monkeys whatsoever. We took our samples and drank. I could detect no odour from the beer and it initially seemed like a crisp lager. Mike stated "I'd buy this. I could totally see myself drinking it". Gillian (who by this time was 3/4 through a magnum of blush wine) said she liked the taste, but "it may just be the wine". Mad Dog Johnny stated that "it doesn't taste like I'll shit blood tomorrow." What a charmer.

However, as we took another drink something strange happened. We all detected what seemed like a taint in the ale. It started on the tongue and covered the inside of the mouth like a film. At that point, Mike and I had reservations about this one and I saw Gillian pour the rest of her sample into Johnny's glass. Not good at all. The taint on this ale was enough to turn us all off it, and I hazard to guess what a good drunk on this stuff would do to you. In the end we unanimously decided that "AbBIBCbKE" was likely Russian for "The Taste of Chernobyl." This isn't one that will be getting a second chance from me.

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat Beer

After a four hour drive to Michigan (where we decided to skip lunch to beat holiday traffic) our first instincts were to find a place to find that had which we craved most: food and beer.

Our choices were limited to a local Biker Bar or an Applebee's, the Applebee's won because I don't like getting hit in the head much and I can probably take the average Applebee's patron.

The bar at said chain restaurant was stocked with a good deal of stuff I'd never had before, so it proved to be an excellent choice. After hearing the long draught list, I ordered a Sam Adams Cherry Wheat.

Why I did that: Sometimes I am still an eight year old and the thought of "cherry" makes everything better, it's hyper sweet taste improves cola, cough syrup and sundaes, so I am programmed to order it when I hear it.

After I took my first sip and discovered what cherries and beer taste like together, I remembered Dennis Leery's infamous Christmas beer rant from "Lock N Load" (transcribed below):

“Hey man, look what I got you for Christmas.”“What’s that?”“Special Sam Adams Christmas beer dispenser, man.”“Oh really?”“Yeah, it’s six different flavors…”“Y’know what? Put it in the fridge. Put it in the bottom of the fridge and bury it.”
“So months go by, of course, right? Now I’m eating pretzels and I’m thirsty. I go and open the refrigerator, I see a beer out of the corner of my eye. I grab it, I open it up SLUUURP! PHBBBBBT! Cran..berry ale. Cranberry nut crunch fucking ale! Let me tell you something, folks. Cranberries and beer do NOT go together, okay? One’s for bladder infections, one’s for getting drunk! I take a look at the label of my beer; you know what’s on my beer label? Santa Claus is on my beer label. I swear to God! Why don’t you put the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy on there, too. Call it ‘Pussy Ale’ while you’re at it, go ahead.”

After about three sips, the cherry stopped punching me in the face so much and perhaps it was the effect of a beer on an empty stomach but it became a tolerable beverage. For the second round I chose something different because honestly, I couldn't do two in a row.

The bottom line is, this tastes like Sam Adams and cherry juice mixed together, I did not find it offensive but it's not a taste I find myself craving either. To each his own I guess.....

_BRaIN

Weihenstephaner Hefeweizen

Queen Victoria's birthday on the 24th of May unofficially marks the start of the summer season here in Canada. The end of the harsh Canadian winter ushers in a new season of barbeques, skimpy clothing and drunken afternoons spent on the patio. In the warm sun, nothing goes down like a cold bottle of German hefeweizen and I was pleased to see that the LCBO has been making an effort to bring in more of examples of this excellent style of brewing. Being a huge fan of Erdinger Weissbier, I stopped into my local LCBO to pick up a few bottles for the evening barbeque when I spotted a new weissbier on the shelf. I grabbed a few for my Mix 8 and headed home with my purchase.

Hailing from the world's oldest brewery, Weihenstephaner is a Bavarian-style wheat beer with an abv of 5.4%. The Weihenstephaner website states that the brewery started between 725 and 768 in the Bavarian city of Freising by Benedictine monks. Later, it became the Royal Bavarian State Brewery until finally being privatized as a regulated enterprise of the Freestate of Bavaria. Today, Weihenstephaner brews 11 standard beers and 2 alcohol free varieties. Their hefe weissbeir is their only product I have personally seen in North America.

Like most examples of weissbier, Weihenstephaner pours a cloudy golden-orange with a thick foamy head. The beer gives off a distinct yet pleasant spicy odour with no alcohol scent. The brew starts with a slightly sweet, yeasty flavour reminscent of most wheat beers, moves to the back of the palate with the slight spiciness hinted at in the nose, and continues with a slightly bitter finish. The taste lingers but does not overpower, and the crisp finish makes one wanting more. A definate thirst quencher for those dog days of summer, I can easily see many a drunken afternoon in the coming months with a fridge full of these. Overall, and excellent example of this style of brewing. Enjoy!

Foster's Premium Ale

This was another find of Brian's in Novi. Having been discussing Foster's on the drive down to Michigan, I think he had it on the brain when he got to the liquor store. I was somewhat curious about this one, as I have drank the regular blue-can Foster's in the past and wanted to see what the premium version was like. I suppose it should be stated that many people equate Foster's with "kangaroo piss" so I my expectations weren't that high.

The can was massive and lists the abv at 5.4%. The beer poured out a rich amber-brown with a thick white head. There was no discernable smell from it, save what you would expect from a dark ale. We both knocked back our glasses and found the taste to be smooth up front, but brutally bitter in the finish - not good at all. Looking on the 'net for more info on this one, I found out that this "premium ale" is actually just a repackaged version of Foster's Special Bitter! Little wonder there was such a hideous bitterness in the finish. I wouldn't recommend this one unless you are a fan of bitters and want to see what the Aussies can come up with. You can read about the renaming of this brew by clicking here.

Werewolf Beer

"You must be sure you want to taste it!" was the tagline on this Lithuanian oddity that Brian picked out at the Novi liquor store, Werewolf seemed to be an appropriate name with an abv of 8.2%, and the brew also contained sea monkeys which were apparent when held up to the light. Unlike the horrific Taj Mahal, this one actually had some info on the back:

Brewery Rinkuskiai was established in the year 1991 in the Birzai Region known as Beer Country in Lithuania. Rinkuskiai beer quality is the result of old traditions in Beer Country, experience of the past generations and innovations of the modern days. That makes Rinkuskiai beer one of the most exclusive in Lithuania. WEREWOLF has an attractive dark color, slightly sweet, reach taste of malt and slight aroma of hops. Want to drink more? Oh, yes! And be aware that WEREWOLF is based on the old recipe of one of the best birzai beers.

Slightly sweet REACH taste? The pigeon English on this lable was a bit over the top. Perhaps they were trying to overplay the wolfman schtick by trying to sound like one of the Gypsies in Universal Studios classic 1941 film. Regardless, we poured out a couple glasses and drank. Aside from a slight alcohol scent, Werewolf didn't smell that bad. However, the flavour was very overhopped and not that great. I am fairly certain that this one would have had a much worse rating, but after the Taj Mahal experience earlier in the evening, Cisco would likely have tasted good. Regardless, given the excessive alcohhol content I am sure a night after drinking a dozen or so of these may actually result in waking up in an unknown place, missing some or all of your clothing, possibly covered in blood and unable to remember the events the night before - much like the victims of lycanthropy in Hollywood films!

Taj Mahal Lager

"Slow Brewed for the Connoisseur" states the label on this abysmal example of the brewer's art. I can honestly state that it is a rare occasion indeed when a single beverage can turn me off drinking for two days afterward, but Taj Mahal did exactly that. Brian and I had arrived in Novi and went straight to a liquor store to see what the "Great Lakes State" had to offer, and after looking over the multitude of brews available, I chose this monstrosity. We collected up the rest of our purchases and headed back to the hotel for a sampling.


Brian had serious reservations about Taj Mahal the moment he found out it was brewed in India. However, I have drank both Cobra and Kingfisher and while they may not be the finest examples of award-winning lager, they were both drinkable. Unfortunately, this did not prove to be the case with this bottled demon. I popped the cap and poured out two glasses. After handing one to Brian, I heard him exclaim, "it stinks!". I took a whiff of the liquid in my glass and was immediately treated to a full-on nasal assault. "Jesus, this IS bad!" I replied as I started to realize that this was starting to resemble one of those situations not unlike putting your truck on the roulette table in Vegas. I personally have no idea where the water is obtained to brew this stuff, but the smell immediately conjured up images of waterlogged corpses floating down the Ganges River. Hesitantly, I raised the glass to my lips and took a large mouthful. I can only describe the acrid taste as what I imagine a beer tastes like after someone pissed in it after a night of eating asparagus and drinking homemade corn whiskey. Brian tried his and observed "some things dance across the tongue... This is like a dog dragging its ass across it!". Undaunted, I raised my glass again to see if it got better after the initial taste - it didn't. I took the third pull a voice in my head suddenly screamed "WHY AM I STILL DRINKING THIS?!?" as I got up to dump the remainder of this vile brew down the drain.

I can't complete this review without a report on what this beer did to my digestive system. I know it was the Taj Mahal because Brain and I drank equal amounts of everything else that night with this one exception. I spare you the disgusting details, but the symptoms I experienced included hideous gas, stomach pain and a lower intestinal tract that was somehow set to "nuclear holocaust". These symptoms required copious amounts of Pepto to alleviate, and I was unable to do any further samplings the following night. Take my advice and try this one at your own risk. Seriously, it IS that bad!