Aventinus Eisbock

On occasion, we review a product that is so utterly horrific that it literally defies description. Aventinus Eisbock is a prime example of this. It is brewed by Schneider and Sohn, who also make the very good Schneider Weiss which I am quite fond of. However, this one deserves an epic fail of the brewer's art.

While I cannot remember the specifics of the experience, the beer was very dark and gave of a hideous scent. The flavour was so terrible that I actually forgot to take notes on how bad it was. However, I did manage to write down the following reactions to the experience of actually imbibing this devil's brew:

"This smells really, really bad. I pray for my tastebuds." - Michelle

"Fucking terrible!" - Me

"Ahhhhh... I hate you!" - Brian

Brian literally took one sip, cursed me and grabbed all three glasses to dispose of them in the toilet. As you can see from the spillage, he wasted no time in doing so. What an utterly godawful example of German brewing.

Aventinus Eisbock - Final Score:
Michelle -1
Myself - 1
Brian - 0

Samichlaus Classic

I can honestly say this one is the worst beer I have ever drank. Picked up on an impulse at a Mississauga LCBO, I brought it back to my sister's for an evaluation. Further inspection after chilling the contents found a devastating abv of 14%, and the following on the label:

Samichlaus Bier - Santa Claus Beer. Brewed only once a year on December 6, Samichclaus is aged 10 months before bottling. The beer is perhaps the rarest in the world. Samichclaus may be aged for many years to come. Older vintages become more complex with a creamy warming finish. Serve with hardy robust dishes and desserts, particularly with chocolates or served as an after-dinner drink by itself.

After chilling the brew, we poured it into two glasses. My sister remarked it "looked like Rickard's" and thought it smelled like "normal beer". I also felt it didn't look or smell too bad. However, as we both tasted this one we knew we had made a very bad mistake.

Susie raised the glass and as the dark liquid touched her lips, a look of complete disgust came over her face as she exclaimed "this is the worst beer I have ever tasted!" The flavour was like what caramel-flavoured Dimetapp would taste like, if anyone was nutty enough to concoct such a thing. The flavour sat on the tongue, moved down the palate and the "warming finish" burned all the way to the gullet.

I must admit after tasting this one, a dim memory surfaced of a drunken New Year's Eve from my misspent youth. An old drinking buddy (affectionately known as The Fat Bastard) and I were in the local LCBO when one of their union monkeys saw us eying the imported beers. He pointed to one and suggested we try it. "It's awesome," he said. "The stuff is pretty uncommon. You'll like it. It gets you smashed." We purchased three bottles of it and went to the New Year's party.

Once there, we cracked the beers and with a hearty "Slainte!" we drank deep. However, we both looked at each other with a complete look of disgust on our faces. Keep in mind this was the days when I willingly drank Carling and Seagrams 5 Star (out of necessity more than choice), and was somewhat immune to bad taste. However, this beer slayed us. We agreed this beer was not fit for human consumption, and spent the rest of the night daring unknowing party guests into trying it. As the Samichlaus hit my tastebuds, I remembered it was the same beer we drank at that ill-fated party years ago, and my improved palate hasn't made the experience any more pleasurable. Avoid this one at all costs.

Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale

As it is New Year's Day and you are all likely recovering from nasty hangovers from the various debaucheries you took part in last night, I decided to start the year off with a beer that simple invokes that same mood of shot nerves and despair. Happy New Year!

Every once in a while, you come across a beer so hideous that you wonder if is actually a warehouse leftover that was brewed 50 years ago. Judging by the old-school stubby bottle, I could almost believe it is the case with this one if it weren't for the website for the black pit that actully produces this stuff. While looking over the site, I saw this ale was alternatively named "Coporal Punishment" which is far more fitting than "Corporal's Bitter".

I cracked this one at Brian and Michelle's, and immediately knew that something was very, very wrong. The smell off this crap alone was enough to wake the dead. I poured a good dose in some glasses and pondered the thick, black, foul-smelling brew. Michelle being the trooper (and equally likely as a show of "girl power") decided to drink first. Her immediate reaction was "just terrible!" Intrigued, I took a big mouthful and could not believe how horrible this crap is. It tastes like burnt malt with a healthy dose of smoke. This is not Islay-Scotch tasting smoke, it is more akin to the smoke that comes off burning plastic. Brian, who realized that we were both in literal agony from the taste, slowly raised his glass and took his fate like a man. He stated (when he could finally speak) that this beer tastes like "oven dripping sandwich - in a beer!" He further went on to describe the time he was deep-frying french fries and out of sheer curiosity, he ate that fry that always seems to escape from the basket and turns black as it slowly burns in the hot oil. This beer reminded him exactly of what that french-fry tasted like. Seriously, check the mug on the "corporal" from the label. Do you not think he looks pissed off at the world? Little wonder why this beer tastes exactly like some kind of hideous revenge plot by a psychotic soldier who spent too many days on a blood-soaked battlefield.