The Red Binder™

A while ago, there was an email passed around the office featuring the ultimate stress-relief for the workplace: The Red Binder™. The Red Binder™ could be inconspicuously left on any office shelf, ready to be called upon in moments of undue stress (such as the announcement of company-wide layoffs) or moments of ultimate celebration (like the anouncement that smarmy jerk who works two cubicles over from you was canned for accidentally sending filthy midget porn to the boss). As you can see from the photo above, the Red Binder™ holds enough alcohol and glasses for a small office party. Obviously, this is something we could all use on the job.

Shortly after the Red Binder™ email was circulated, Brian found these products in an old 70's catalogue. It seems that the Red Binder™ is actually a variation of something that travelling executives and swingers like Plaid Stallions spokesmodel Brick Mantooth keep in trunks of their cars in the event that big deal (or big party) needs to be immediately celebrated with copious amounts of liquor.

These travelling bars are also the perfect solution for those of you that made ridiculous New Year's resolutions to curb your drinking while getting yelled at by your wife/girlfriend for getting pissed up on Grey Goose and making a complete ass of yourself. The "Perfect Travelling Companion For The Man On The Go" can be easily hidden with the family luggage, and called upon when you realize that promise to quit boozing was a little more difficult than you envisioned. The combination lock on some of these models is also a perfect way to keep your snooping kids or drunken in-laws from draining your stash while you are at work, shopping with the wife or any other activity that would make you thirst for a nice belt the moment you arrive home.

All in all, these are great throwbacks to a time when everyone took a fully stocked bar with them on the road, to the beach or to that barbeque at the swingers' place down the road. They are a lot nicer than the plain-jane Red Binder™ we are left with in modern times, and are much better choice for the travelling alcoholic.

John Bull Ale

After crucifying the Belgians so badly for their lack of brewing expertise, I think it is time to focus on yet another country of mediocre ale. On the heels of yesterday's Tetley's review, we have another English beer: John Bull Ale. This ale has been brewed in the "heart of England" and is flavoured with "challenger" and "East Kent goldings" hops. The label states that crushed crystal malt is also used to give it its traditional London-style flavour.

I had my reservations about this one for several reasons. First of all, English ale tends to be bland (much like their food) and exciting as a rainy day in the English countryside. Additionally, John Bull was also ne of the main companies that put out those "home brewing in a can" kits that always resulted in overly malty, undrinkable results. Lastly, when I popped the can open, there was absolutely no fizz or internal pressure escaping the can. This proved to be classic foreshadowing, as I poured the overly dark beer into my glass, very little head formed. The taste was much like Tetley's, flat, bland and unremarkable. However, it was still miles above the John Bull "homebrew in a can" kits, and much like Tetley's English Ale, you could drink this all day if you had to. However, when there are so many better choices out there, why choose this?

Tetley's English Ale

What is it with English ale? Granted they have a few good ones like Fuller's London Pride and Bass Pale Ale, but they seem to have far more mediocre beers than good ones. Tetley's English Ale would definately fall in the 'mediocre' category. It pours using the "smoothflow" system (similar to Pub Draught Guinness) that creates a smooth creamy head like that you get from draught ale. The dark colour seems to hint at a full flavour, but the taste is simply flat and unremarkable. As Brian stated, it is "bland and grey-tasting, almost like English weather. You could drink this all day if you had to while the rain pours down on the English countryside." However the question remains: why in the hell would you want to?

Sir Perry

When I was in Ireland last spring, I saw a lot of these kinds of drinks for sale in the off-license. While apple cider seemed to be the most popular, there was quite a bit of pear cider available as well. Ironically, I brought this over to Brians the same day he had bought Rekorderlig to review. Both of these are "perries" or pear-cider beverages. However, while Rekorderlig is something that chicks would likely drink way too much of, this is definately something they would most likely avoid.

Years ago when I made a lot of homebrew, I tried my hand at making hard cider. While I can't say I liked it that much, it did not stop Mad Dog Johnny and I from drinking the entire cask in one night. Johnny went home and crashed. In the morning, he woke up and came downstairs into his kitchen. His mother, who was making coffee, asked if he was wearing some kind on new cologne. When he replied he wasn't, and that maybe it was the vinegar from the hot peppers we ate while we were drinking, she replied "no, this is definately alcohol based." The stench from this cider seeped out of his pores, leaving him smelling like a wino for three days. Ever since, neither of us have had the urge to get loaded on cider.

Sir Perry has the same dry taste as that ill-fated homebrew, and I assume would have the same effect. It is dry and bland. It is not offensive, it is just not very good. Michelle, who loved the Rekorderlig, tasted this one and exclaimed "that's yuck!" and Sir Perry became the second beverage to be sinked that night. I suppose suck drinks have their fans, but I think it is a fair assumption that they are about as rare as those who think the Detroit Lions have a shot at the Superbowl next year. This one was a disappointing glass of depression. Don't feed this to your date unless you want her to go home in a cab - alone.

Rekorderlig Wild Berry

This is one that intrigued Brian while he was buying beer at the local LCBO. After all, any kind of liquor from a foreign country with an unpronouncible name deserves a proper review, and after the horror of Corporal's Brown Bitter Ale, we needed a change of pace. The description on the can states this product is "Swedish pear cider from Vimmerby. Wild berries flavoured. Serve well Chilled" and has an abv of 7%. From the description and alcohol content, I can only assume the name means "panty remover" in Swedish. After noticing the the blush wine colour and fuity smell, Michelle quickly grabbed a glass, drank and exclaimed "that's good!" (which somewhat confirmed my suspicions about the name of this drink). While it should be noted that even green NyQuil would taste good after the Corporal's Brown Bitter, Brian and I both agreed this is a total chick drink, and would be placed in the same catagory as high-sugar low-alcohol drinks that are popular with women, such as Arbour Mist and Alize. However, Michelle also stated that you could tell a night getting pissed up on this would result in a wicked hangover, and quite likely the embarassment of realizing you are no longer in possession of your panties (guys take note!).

Corporal's Bitter Brown Ale

As it is New Year's Day and you are all likely recovering from nasty hangovers from the various debaucheries you took part in last night, I decided to start the year off with a beer that simple invokes that same mood of shot nerves and despair. Happy New Year!

Every once in a while, you come across a beer so hideous that you wonder if is actually a warehouse leftover that was brewed 50 years ago. Judging by the old-school stubby bottle, I could almost believe it is the case with this one if it weren't for the website for the black pit that actully produces this stuff. While looking over the site, I saw this ale was alternatively named "Coporal Punishment" which is far more fitting than "Corporal's Bitter".

I cracked this one at Brian and Michelle's, and immediately knew that something was very, very wrong. The smell off this crap alone was enough to wake the dead. I poured a good dose in some glasses and pondered the thick, black, foul-smelling brew. Michelle being the trooper (and equally likely as a show of "girl power") decided to drink first. Her immediate reaction was "just terrible!" Intrigued, I took a big mouthful and could not believe how horrible this crap is. It tastes like burnt malt with a healthy dose of smoke. This is not Islay-Scotch tasting smoke, it is more akin to the smoke that comes off burning plastic. Brian, who realized that we were both in literal agony from the taste, slowly raised his glass and took his fate like a man. He stated (when he could finally speak) that this beer tastes like "oven dripping sandwich - in a beer!" He further went on to describe the time he was deep-frying french fries and out of sheer curiosity, he ate that fry that always seems to escape from the basket and turns black as it slowly burns in the hot oil. This beer reminded him exactly of what that french-fry tasted like. Seriously, check the mug on the "corporal" from the label. Do you not think he looks pissed off at the world? Little wonder why this beer tastes exactly like some kind of hideous revenge plot by a psychotic soldier who spent too many days on a blood-soaked battlefield.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Happy New Year!!!

We here at Liquor Pig would like to take this time to wish you all a very safe and drunken 2009!

Also, should you drink too much tonight celebrating the end of 2008 and the coming of 2009, don't forget the advice given by this Soviet poster (tanslation by Oleg Stavrovsky):

"If you are hung over from drinking vodka, have some wine and beer!"